Today as requested I helped my dad in his garden. At one point I held a saw and considered slicing open my throat in front of him. Yes I am that badly advanced in my despair.
He knows that I am seriously depressed but he does not understand how profoundly unwell I am. I don’t seem to be able to tell him, or my similarly ageing mother.
I am starting to get that profound feeling that I have earned my suicide and that it is a foregone conclusion. Recently I’ve visited places from my past for the first time in years. Almost as if I’m saying goodbye. I think my mind knows something I don’t.
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You have not ‘earned’ your suicide. Sadly, people often don’t understand depression because they can’t see it. If you have a broken arm, they can see that… easier to understand. A lack of understanding does NOT take away anything ftom how you’re feeling.
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I’ve fantasizes about offing myself right in front of people before, but I never seriously entertained the idea because I figured that that would thoroughly and irreparably fck up whatever unlucky witness I had chosen. Don’t want to do that.
By earned your suicide, do you mean that:
A) you are such a bad person/done such bad things that you deserve to die, or
B) you have been through so much pain that you deserve to finally have some peace?
Just curious, as I have no context.
whiskered-fish
B) you have been through so much pain that you deserve to finally have some peace.
Well, I’m not necessarily glad that you feel that way, but it is the one that I was hoping you’d meant.
maybe revisiting is a subconscious way of tying up loose ends. i’m in the same age bracket as you and doing similar things. gotten my belongings whittled down to a small bag now.
I have an enormous amount of personal belongings [Record, books, magazines, electronic devices] I think I would find it easier to depart if it wasn’t for the thought that my family will have to sort through them.
i used to have a great deal. now that i have almost nothing, the concern of saddling anyone with going through my junk is gone. it’s a comfort.
in my teens, a relative killed himself. he was quiet and kept to himself in his room mostly (he was an adult). when he shot himself, his parents were caught completely off guard. he was thoughtful enough to kill himself outside their home. when they went through his room, they found he had secretly discarded everything, with the exception of a suit to be buried in. that stuck with me. even in so much agony, he thought of others. it was a good lesson.
Wow. I’ll think of that next time I wanna kill myself. Dang. That’s what I think. The way I would kill myself is by train, but I’d feel so bad for the person who has so clean me up… Yikes.
You can’t have possibly earned your suicide. Like distant.road said, depression cannot be seen like say a broken arm can be. Or like cancer can be