It is nearing the end of the semester for me, and I have no motivation left. I know what you’re thinking “No one does.” But it isn’t just the usual dragging my ass to the library or late night studies from procrastination. It is the refusal to do anything….some days I won’t get out of bed, even if I’m hungry. Some days I force myself to go to the library to write papers but I get distracted and do nothing. I cannot make myself do anything anymore…I have assignment building, bills piling, dishes not done, laundry soiled, and quizzes untaken. It feels like my life is in shambles but I just can’t force myself to be better….
it doesn’t help that I base 90% of my self-worth off my grades in the first places. Because I am unwilling to do the work, my grades are falling, which in turn makes me feel stupid, which destroys me even further. I feel like I have nothing else left….the only friend I have isn’t really a friend. I’ve tried calling her when I’m trying to commit suicide just for someone to talk to me, but she never answers. She’s finally picking up the idea that I’m not okay, but I’m past the point of giving out my sob story. I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to someone who doesn’t care enough to pick up the phone when I’m clutching a bottle of pills…It feels like no one cares if I were to die. And that hurts me even further. I dunno….I just feel alone, isolated, abandoned, stupid, miserable, inadequate, and useless to the rest of the rest of the human population.
I am struggling so hard in my classes I’ve really given it thought to drop out. But if I do, I don’t feel like I would go back and it would also eat at me that I was a failure to myself and my family. I feel like I am the catalyst for my suffering, but I just don’t know how to make it all end without leaving this world behind….
4 comments
I was right where you are about a year ago. Such lack of motivation I had to take final exams (graduation in English?) in the next year. I had -whole- year just to study, just for one big exam and I simply couldn’t force myself to do it. Of course I failed it. I had to repeat it in two months in August, but I still couldn’t force myself to study. I was so apathetic to it, I almost sabotaged 3 years worth of university (4 if you count that one where I had just one single exam yet I only sat on my ass and barely did anything at all). But a miracle happened and I (barely) passed. To this day I don’t understand how it could happen.
Neither I had anyone to talk to. I tried talking to my friends about it, but even when i managed to open up, they had trouble understanding me, let alone helping me, even if they really wanted. I was alone in a small flat on 11th floor for several days, not leaving it at all, but thinking about leaving through the window.
I can just ask you to wait it out, maybe things will work out on their own. Not all, but maybe at least some of them. Life got more bearable after it, yet I’m falling back in those tracks.
I would like to hear more about what you are going through right now and to talk about it, if you want to.
Honestly, I would love to talk about everything, there’s just way too much and to talk about everything in a public domain is off-putting….
School is hard. I know that deal. I always used to get behind in my school work near the end of a semester. I mean DAM they really pile all the work on you and… the pressure to get papers done and tests etc etc.
I dont know what to tell you. FIRST > try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing your best and you are only human…. not a machine. Try to get up and get your work done. Yes it is tough but once you get through this end of the semester stuff then you will have time to relax later.
You can do it. As far as the other stuff. Prioritize. Pay the bills and make sure you eat a decent meal. Your going to need some energy to get through all of this.
See if you can ask for an extension on the due dates of your papers.
I’m going to copy a post that muspelhem commented on one of my posts. It did help a bit with understanding why this happens to us (where you just can’t get yourself to do anything no matter how badly you want to).
muspelhem
APR 10, 2016 @ 16:08:24
It’s called psychomotor retardation, and is a symptom of depression.
I can really recommend googling “robert sapolsky depression” and watching the lecture that pops up. Both because it is a very good account of depression, and because he’s a fascinating guy.
I’m sorry you feel this way and can totally relate.
Take care 🙂