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I’m Angry

by Ylem

Angry at a certain someone, but still feel okay.
Here’s what a supposed friend of mine said to me a few days ago. Since I’m an internalizer as my therapist calls it, it keeps playing over and over in my head and pissing me off all over again.

I used to feel so sad for you and your family. I’d pray for you guys, for God to comfort you and give you strength. Until I realized you don’t want to get better. Now I feel so sad for your mother, for all she is going through because of your “illness”.
You strike me as one person who loves and enjoys what you going through. One who doesn’t want to get better. You are so negative. You cannot want to get better and still be as negative as you get. You know people who want to get better, people who are suffering. You are hindering that process. The process of getting better.
Shouldn’t your Mom be the one experiencing most difficulty? She is his mother after all. Your sisters. Your father. Why you?
Your negativity is draining. It has to come to an end. You have to accept. Everyone at home has. (As if the ***** knows what has been going on in my household.) I really just don’t like your negativity.
I can’t even help you. I only know the bible way. God’s way. That’s the only help I can offer.
I saw your emails to your people. (My people being my friends on SP. ***** went through my emails.) Who are you trying to fool?
You don’t need God. You can do this on your own. So you got this girl. You brave. I don’t know how I’d get through life challenges without God. You are brave to actually rely on your own strength. You got this girl. Don’t let anyone bring you down. You are a shame. You are failing on your own. Why not give it all to God? Please. Try someone else who has a softer spot for you. Its a wicked world out there. A little advice here and there.
I won’t offend you or mock you. I wanna help you.

Ylem is pissed. I’m still okay in general. Still happy. But I’m fucking pissed.

Ylem is going to fuck a ***** up. Seriously. I’m going to kill this *****.

I’m an internalizer. This keeps playing over and over again in my head. I can’t let it go. I won’t let it go.

It takes a few words to push someone over the edge. I kept quiet long enough listening to all these judgemental remarks from her. For months. I cried. She made me cry right before an exam. It’s time I showed her just what kind of rachet ghetto ***** Ylem can actually be. I will fuck her up, I swear.


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theWhispersOfMySins 4/24/2016 - 3:02 am

Wow. I am so sorry she said that to you. You didn’t need that. You obviously realize she is wrong. And she is. Very, very wrong. We all grieve and handle life differently. Which is normal and right. Try not to let this person bring you down. And I am glad you are still okay. hugs.

Ylem31 4/24/2016 - 1:58 pm

Apparently, according to her, I’m pretending to be sick. I guess I’m really awesome at pretending then. I enjoy this. I enjoy the nightmares, flashback and insomnia. I must have enjoyed the abuse as well.
A fellow medical student with no empathy whats so ever. I even went through great lengths to have see things in my perspective. Sent her a forensic picture of my brother with all his wounds. She still said I am pretending.
Why me? That one really hit home.
I will sort her out. Once I’m done with her, she will cry to her God and ask him to punish this little ***** that I am. I don’t give a fuck. But I’m done with people who are always shitting all over me.

mindlessgamer619 4/24/2016 - 9:47 am

That really sucks, twin.. Know that you can always talk to me about anything. I’m here for you. *hugs*

Ylem31 4/24/2016 - 1:54 pm

Thank you for always being here Gamer. Right now, I just need you to hold my hand. I’ll be fine, right after I sort this shit out.
Thanks for the hug.

Deadinside59 4/24/2016 - 12:01 pm

If you’re going to fight get the first hit and make sure it counts you just need one good hit to the head or chest and they won’t put up much of a fight

Ylem31 4/24/2016 - 1:23 pm

Deadinside…lol. Thanks for the advice. I doubt she’ll put much of a fight. I will seriously fuck that ***** up. I’ve had it.

Deadinside59 4/24/2016 - 5:10 pm

Well you know those who say violence isn’t the answer have never actually been bullied or pushed to the point of violence

Yebobpa 4/24/2016 - 1:39 pm

Blessings! Be strong and smile! Im yebo.. It means yes in Zulu!

Ylem31 4/24/2016 - 1:53 pm

Thank you Yebobpa. I always smile even when I should not. I’m always strong even when deep down I’m breaking. I have reached my limit. I’m done having people shit all over me.

Now I’m wondering where you’re from. I’m in SA and Zulu is my native language. Are you a fellow south african?

Yebobpa 4/24/2016 - 2:12 pm

My dad was a missionary to the Zulus in the 80’s, I was a small child in south Africa for somewhere around 5 years … This has always had a huge impact on my life, the language and the culture. It is nice to meet you. If you need a friend Yebo is here!!

Ylem31 4/24/2016 - 4:35 pm

Yebo!! 🙂
I just feel like writing a sentence in Zulu but I doubt you’ll understand it.

Yebobpa 4/24/2016 - 4:58 pm

I have a Basic Understanding. Give me a try!

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