Hi
I stumbled onto this site when I was ranting to Siri about wanting to end my life. And I really do. I don’t have a plan, I just want to die.
My life has just been one chronic pain after another for three years. A botched biopsy of my lip left me with permanent nerve damage in my lip which led to digestive problems, which led to severe weight loss, which led to muscle atrophy, which led to more pain.
Last year I had breast cancer and a mastectomy. I’m done with my breast cancer treatment but not over the pain of the loss. People say I’m lucky to have survived, but I don’t feel so lucky.
Two months ago, my dad died from cancer and frankly, I just want to go join him. If they told me that the cancer was back and I needed chemo (which I didn’t need the first time), I would say no thanks.
I’ve told my doctor that my quality of life is about a 1. But no one cares. No one hears me. No one understands. I hate waking up in the morning and facing another day of misery. I’m self employed as a writer which may sound great but it’s hard to force myself to write when I hurt so much.
I feel so alone, but I don’t know how to reach out because nobody wants to hear how miserable I am.
My life is pretty much like the lyric from the Eagle Song, “Learn to be still.” “There are so many contradictions in all these messages we send. We keep asking: how do I get out of here and where do I fit in.” I want desperately to find people who understand me and hear my misery and my desire to die. But in my case, misery hates company. I can’t stand being around people where I have to pretend that everything is the meaningless “fine” that people expect you to say when they ask, “how are you.”
I know that I can’t end things now. I know that I can’t do that to my mom when she just lost my dad. I know that I can’t leave my sister alone to cope with the paperwork mess that my dad left behind.
But I’m so tired of waking up every morning. I just hate waking up every morning. That’s when I just can’t bear the thought of going on.
I would appreciate hearing from people who just get it. And maybe somebody out there can tell me how to not hate waking up in the morning.
Affirmations do not work for me because most of them are based on lies. At least that’s how they look to me.
Thanks
10 comments
Love that song. But I don’t know if we ever can learn to be still. Well at least it hasn’t happened for me yet. Or I wouldn’t have found this site either.
Im sorry to hear about your Dad. I can relate to what your going through mine just passed away last year.
Oh and there is a saying I have when someone says they are FINE to me it means
F – Fucked up
I – insecure
N- neurotic
E- emotional
I hope you find some peace and are able to somehow manage your pain. It can be hell on earth trying to deal with so many things at once. Just know you are not alone in how you are feeling.
Tired, I like your definition of FINE. I use that statement a lot, because people don’t want to hear how you are really doing.
When most people ask how you are all they know how to deal with and respond to is “I’m fine” usually so I just say that. It takes to much effort to explain sometimes, and all you ever get back is everything will be ok, it gets better, the future is bright… which don’t help really and isn’t always true.
I know how you feel with the writing, I am on sick with my main job but compose for short films to and thought Id just carry that on while I’m home so I don’t get board but trying to get in the right frame of mind isn’t happening :-s
I sometimes wish for a cancer or just anything that is terminal cause then I could just refuse treatment and I wouldn’t have to worry about a plan, how can I get out of here!! It takes a lot of planning and a lot of the equipment needed according to online searchers is vertically impossible to get hold of since manufactures have become aware of their products being misused. I think it would take away a lot of the selfishness that I feel about leaving, my mum isn’t well and my siblings need me here to help look after her plus everything she has to deal with, with her illness she just wouldn’t be able to cope with my death on top of it. For now I think well I’ll wait till my mum has passed but then like you feel now that you cant leave cause all your family are having to deal with the grief of your dads passing so you leaving will just add to their grief… I probably will then have that opinion when my mum does pass so really there just never seems a good time to go in terms of how others will cope, but my feeling is I am ready now but there is no easy way out :-s
most of the time when people ask that question in your everyday life, it comes from observing a social nicety, a courtesy they were probably raised with, and they don’t actually want an honest answer.
no words of wisdom here, just another adult who knows the struggle of chronic physical pain and surgeries and a seemingly endless parade of doctors.
Thank you all for your thoughts. It is nice to be heard. I think people who say they are fine have their head stuck in the sand.
One of my friends has even admitted that her life is screwed up but she pretends everything is OK because she thinks eventually it will be. I just don’t understand that kind of mentality.
People often look at me funny because when they ask me how I’m doing I answer honestly. I just don’t feel comfortable saying the word fine when I’m not feeling it.
I think it just takes confidence maybe. and it is good that you can be honest and say what is really on your mind. I am generally open and don’t embarrass easily at all but when it comes to talking about issues like this I cant even be honest with my own family cause I feel shameful :-s
It seems like there’s more cancer going around than ever. It’s terrible that my grandmother is dying from cancer and it still doesn’t make me want to live or appreciate the shitty life I have. If anything, I almost wish I was in her position. She doesn’t have much longer and is doing hospice at home. At least she’ll be free from this life. She doesn’t deserve this, but I do. I spend my life as if I’m dead anyway. Might as well be. I can’t be selfish enough to take myself out so close to her dying. Even though I’m not THAT close to my dad, I still don’t want him to feel the loss of his mother and daughter around the same time so I have to stay longer unfortunately.
I’m sorry you’re suffering. This is the only outlet to discuss misery because you’re right, no one wants to hear it. They want to talk about what a beautiful day it is and say things like “Thank you God for another day.” And if you even hint you’re miserable then of course “You should be grateful you’re alive.” Shut up.
Ant: I’ve always been too honest with my feelings even to the idiots at the stores who say, “how are you” or “doing anything fun this weekend”. I’ll say what I really think just to shut them up. I know it’s rude but they piss me off.
I understand what you’re saying brokenandbent. I feel trapped because I don’t want my mom to have to endure my death right after my dad died. I feel like I am stuck in this life and can’t escape even though I want to.
In late 2014 my dad was diagnosed cancer. At the same time, my 27 year old niece was diagnosed with cancer. A few weeks after their diagnosis, I wrote in my journal that I wished I was the one who had cancer. Then, 6 months later (just as they both went into remission), I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I wanted to ignore it and do nothing but the coordinator told me that breast cancer was excruciating if it was treated.
My cancer was caught in stage one and I did not need chemo or radiation; just surgery! Everyone says I’m so lucky that all I needed was surgery! People can be so insensitive. Nobody understands that I wanted was to die. I even told my oncologist that I would refuse chemotherapy if it was necessary. At the time, my weight was extremely low so the oncologist agreed with me that I would not be a candidate for chemo.
So now I wait and hope for another cancer that will not be treatable. I know it’s a painful way to die but I feel it’s my only way to escape.
I’m just so tired of hurting. Every new day is so hard to face. . .
tryingtohope, this is really a sad post, it really got to me. my reply’s are just truthful and not feel goods type of thing, i identify with the death of loved ones my mother and bother died of cancer in the same year, i had to deal with that, i know how you feel, death is something we can’t prevent but their suffering is over, i’m glad for that.
far as your situation with your health that really stinks, i really feel bad! everyone has to go through something like that sooner than later, i’m sorry it’s your turn, be strong! that is something you do have control over, laugh in the face of danger! that’s what i do, and if things do get worse, well that’s nature can’t control that, you have to just accept it, i will myself when my time comes, i will never go out bitter or sad, those won’t be my last thoughts.
Far as waking up, wake up with no negative thoughts get to work doing what you love to do write! don’t let negative thoughts interfere with your passion, your job.
i’m cooking got to go before i burn something. 🙂
Rocketman: Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate being heard and understood.
Sorry to hear about your loss.
Unfortunately “negativity” is my middle name. I don’t know how to not be negative when I have endured one stupid debilitating health problem after another. Most of them make it hard to work and care for myself. (I am dictating this post at is as it is the only way I can type without pain in my hands.) It’s hard to see how life will ever be anything but a miserable struggle.
The writing I do is not particularly fun or creative. I can’t really say I love it, though it’s nice to be able to work at home. I write risk management for doctors; how to prevent patient injuries that will result in lawsuits. Pretty ironic that I have to write that stuff when I was injured by a doctor and unable to file a lawsuit because of the legal climate in my state.
But I digress. Today I am really tired of life. I just want to kill myself and leave my sister to clean up the mess left behind by our dad’s death. I am so tired of her telling me what to do. She does not understand that I have to earn a living. I have to do things like cooking and cleaning. I wasn’t left a huge life insurance policy by a husband (like she was) that allows me to live a life of leisure. So she spends a few hours on paperwork for my dad and then goes off and has fun for the rest of the day.
When do I get time for myself? When do I get to sit and read? When do I get to to putter in my garden and enjoy it instead of feeling rushed because I have to get in to do more stupid paperwork?
Sorry this is so long. I am just having a horrible Sunday. But now I have to go and work on a craigslist ad to sell dad’s car because that’s my assignment from my sister the boss.
Anyway. That’s my rant. Thanks for listening. I wish I could stop dreading mornings and another day in hell.