Relapse

First of all, I wanted to thank you for the awesome and kind advice I got from you, especially my gratitude goes to Suicidal Angel, because the advice I got from this person truly helped me. Thanks to her I was able to stay clean for 2 months and 2 days! It was a really huge achievement for me, and I couldn’t have done it without her advice I guess, so if you’re reading this (even though I doubt it) a huge thanks to you again! I’m not really able to express my gratitude to you and the other nice pieces of advice from some people, it sure means a lot to me and also helped me to get through it for this time. Because apart from yesterday, when I just couldn’t hold it back anymore, the last time I cut was on the evening of 07th of February were I felt so miserable that I just couldn’t stop it and cut as deep as never before, I knew I needed to change things and looked up the answers, which were really helpful. And so I was able to stay more or less clean for the time being. But well, now I cut again. Yesterday, today and if nothing happens, probably tomorrow too. I thought I’d be able to stay clean, or at least to only cut once in a while but well because I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
Of course also when I was “clean” I still beat myself till I had big bruises, bite myself, scratched myself until I could finally see my blood dripping out of the wound. Writing this makes me feel so insane though… Just what went wrong with me?! Still all of this was at least easy to explain and I stopped cutting and this was my most important objective. But yesterday everything went wrong again. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. This urge. I just had to cut. To punish me. To feel something else. I’m a disappointment and no one knows this better than I do.
Lately, I can’t do anything anymore. When I wake up in the morning I want to do nothing more than just go on sleeping. When I try doing something productive I can’t keep it up and end up going on my computer, surfing senseless in the internet, watching dumb videos and at the same time hating myself for doing nothing else but this. I truly wish I could stop this. I can’t even concentrate on my homework anymore, not even on my actual hobbies. I almost feel as if it kinda annoys me even more than the cutting. Because this behavior eventually leads to the cutting, as I keep failing in everything, like school, friendship, etc. while being in this mood…
I’m disgusted by myself, that I ended up as abject as I am now. I don’t know a way out here. I really don’t. I feel bad again, to bore you with my pathetic life story but I really have no clue what else I could do. Who else I could ask for help? I mean fortunately the all others still don’t know anything and I keep acting, even though it gets worse day to day.