Fist things first. Since this is a tale of redemption it needs a soundtrack. What better than Cordless’s ode to HDS:
Now for the tale…
Last May I was at the pet store buying kibble or something related to cats when I found myself staring at the feeder tank. For those folks unfamiliar with feeders they are these little goldfish that are sold to feed to other fish. They are considered throw away fish. I stood there for fifteen minutes watching these little fish swim around, crowded, frantic. They didn’t know their own fate, they only knew the tank they resided in, and by association, the other fish that crowded their lives.
Fast forward an hour and I was standing at my kitchen counter pouring my new tiny feeder fish into a tiny 1 gallon tank. It was an old used tank I dug out from under the counter. The light was blown but the filter still worked and within ten minutes I had my new rescued companion settled into its new home. The family always enjoy having extra members to gawk at and for the next four months or so they intermittently discussed said fish, remarked on how it was so tiny and how nice it’s tiny tank on my kitchen counter was. On and off they argued about names, never really settling on a name everyone could agree on. Finally they struck on a compromise that said fish would have three names. That is a lot of name for one tiny golden feeder fish.
January rolled around and I found myself looking at my tiny fish friend. I thought to myself more than once what a fantastic companion. Still, keeping captive animals bothers me if they don’t have an enriched environment so I thought “welp tiny golden feeder fish who has three names, you haven’t died yet so let’s get you some better surroundings” so I set about enriching my tiny fish companions habitat. I replaced the lightbulb and purchased some live plants. The folks I live with decided it needed a friend so we purchased a tiny mystery snail to clean the tiny tank for the tiny fish. After a week I looked at the tiny fish tank and thought, “yes I have done some good in this world, this tiny fish, whose fate was to be some other fish’s meal, has a chance at a really good life”. The family got really involved putting the fish on a regimen of feedings three times daily and one member even trained the fish to do a begging dance of sorts in the morning in anticipation of a few flakes of food.
Fast forward three weeks ago. I hadn’t checked on my tiny friend a great deal, as the other folks I live with had taken over feeding, training and enriching this creature’s environment. This was when I realized that my tiny friend was approximately twice the size it was the previous October, or even the past January. The fish in fact seemed to have tripled in size in the past six weeks. In fact this fish was so big it needed a new tank.
So I found myself at Petsmart today, with a new tank in hand, this one a three and a half gallon tank. I also had some new aquatic plants for my not so tiny friend. And I thought, what was it that made this fish grow so much? Up until January it had all it really needed, fish wise that is. Light, food, water. But it remained tiny, in its little tiny tank. Then it dawned on me. The fish started becoming happy and was accepting the things it needed to grow. Companionship, sunlight and a purpose. A feeling of belonging to something more than its tiny fish world, that it was part of a greater world outside of its tiny fish tank.
I thought to myself what a fantastic metaphor for my life and the folks lives here at SP. Our tiny tank here at SP. Some chose to remain small little fish and are happy that way. Their needs are met and they exist in the tiny tank daily. For a few though, they start having things added. Maybe they didn’t ask for it, certainly my tiny friend was content enough to watch me from the safety of its little tank. Watch me daily as I cooked pasta or fried up bacon. But when things got added to its tank, good things, positive things like the light, the tiny mystery snail, some beautiful plants, it couldn’t help but grow. Sometimes we grow even if we don’t realize we are doing it.
So we at SP, we are the fish. We can chose to grow or not grow. Like my little fish we can remain content in our little bowl or take chances and trust that the people interacting with us in a positive manner may help us grow. We may grow so big we no longer remain in this little tank. But if we are lucky our nice owner will put us in a new tank with our little mystery snail friend for company. The tank is bigger for sure, and the light is nicer but we have our little snail friend and the family that interacts with us continues to smile at us as we watch them cook dinner or discuss what new plant to put in our tank.
Each of us at certain times in our lives were considered throwaway feeder fish. I don’t think any one of us doesn’t have a tale of being considered human trash or pointless meatsacks hogging up oxygen, even if the person accusing us of such crimes was only ourselves. But if we are lucky some random event takes us out of the feeder tank and allows us some breathing room to grow. We don’t grow immediately, growth takes time, but when we start trusting and learning to believe there are things outside our tank that are wonderful, it is then that we can start to believe we aren’t throwaway feeder fish residing in an overcrowded tank at Petsmart, but a much loved companion with a little mystery snail for company.
Love yourself, be kind to yourself.
HDS
19 comments
This is the saddest yet most beautiful thing I HAVE EVER READ. My heart is overwhelmed with all of the life meanings and heart to heart metaphors, I might just explode. When you compared the feeder fishy to all of us at SP a tear rolled down my cheek, but unlike the majority of this week it was a tear of happiness. This post of yours is truly a gift in and of itself :’)
Thank you. It came to me today. I have had some adventures in the past two weeks and this sums up how I feel today about the people in my life.
This is sweet.
Many years ago (when I attempted working despite the mobility issues), I had a job in the pet department. Part of my job was to scoop out the feeder fish for people.
After that job was over, a few months later I decided I wanted an Oscar and a Piranha.
They would eat fish-food pellets, but what they really loved was those feeder fish.
Sometimes it was therapeutic; I could name those little goldfish after people who pissed me off, and feel some sense of release after they’d been reduced to nothing but a flurry of leftover scales sinking to the bottom of the tank.
Other times it was sad and depressing, because I identified more with the helpless victim goldfish more than the ruthless predator fish.
The fish got really big; the Oscar was about the size of my hand, and the Piranha had grown from the size of a quarter to a lengthwise kiwi slice.
I loved them, (at least as much as anyone can love a fish).
A few years later, there was a terrible ice storm, which caused a major power outage that lasted for about a week. No more tank heater, no more filter. I think my fish died on the fourth day.
It was very sad, and yet a part of me was glad that no more little feeder fish would have to die.
I still feel like those tiny goldfish sometimes.
I had an oscar that I loved dearly. I would catch crickets for it and purchase feeder fish and I had a tank of superworms that I fed it.
It froze to death when I went on vacation. The guy that was supposed to be checking on it and feeding it didn’t bother and he died. I still agonize about that poor fish’s death. Alone, hungry and cold. fuck. That is so damn sad. I haven’t thought about him in years.
I’m so sorry Ulysses. I’m so sorry.
Ulysses is a good name for an oscar.
My oscar’s name was Tiqua,
My piranha was Cur,
and I also had a Jack Dempsey Cichlid named Zima.
Good fish, though they were definitely predators who would fight anything they found.
If I remember correctly, I kept them in two separate tanks, but I can’t remember who shared with who.
Ulysses had an angel fish friend for about a year then one day the angel fish was missing and no one was talking.
He was packed with personality. and HUGE like bigger than my hand. Just enormous. We purchased him when he was a tiny fry about half an inch is size. One thing for sure I’m getting a fish tail slap at the rainbow bridge when I die for my appallingly irresponisble behavior.
I’m very happy to have read this. Probably needed it today.
Give your fish my warmest regards.
The tank has a light that has 15 different settings including a light setting that mimics the natural light patterns that come from trees swaying in the wind. I sat staring at the light gently going dark and light randomly for fifteen minutes. This is one happy fish. And mystery snail, can’t forget the mystery snail.
I know you have been struggling Whiskered, and you consider yourself human trash. You aren’t and you never will be seen that way by me or the God that loves you.
Did the mystery snail ever get a name?
Imagine some point far in the future, when the rainbow bridge greeter asks “Welcome, good snail. So, what’s your name?”
And then there’s an awkward pause.
OH good point. I’ll have to ask. I’m betting it is something really formal like “Sir Grey Slimegrotten” or something like that. The names in this house go off the deep end sometimes.
That sounds awesome. Your three-named fish has a rad pad.
And thanks. “Human trash” is exactly the phrase I was using earlier, actually. Maybe I just need some plants, a snail, or a new light. Metaphorically. We’ll see what those turn out to be.
I can say YES I feel like a feeder fish most of the time. I feel like a human that is not fully alive or as productive as most people. BUT, I am thankful to be alive and I am thankful for all the great eperiences that I have had. My life has been marked with a lot of pain and trauma > but ultimately… I am glad that I have had a chance at this thing called life. At the moment I am glad that I did not die the times I tried to end my life… and hopefully I wont ever need to try that again.
> of course this is how I feel at the moment > I don’t know what the future holds… but I am going to try and make the best of it.
thanks for your post. I really liked your story about the feederfish and how that ties in with people like us here at SP. Very thoughtful post.
Hi! You seem very positive, thank you!
Yup, I do feel positive at the moment and I am trying my best to stay that way for as long as I can. Hopefully it will last.
Have a great night everybody
I needed this tonight. This hope and redemption.. Thank you for reading it.
Very beautiful…
Thank you mynicesuicide.
I was just thinking that “Feederfish” would make a good SP Screen name.
As would meatsack or human garbage. Lol. Oh that’s dark!
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