Trying to get help

I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to try medicine again so that I can function and not be crying all the time. I called out of work today and tried to set up a therapist and psychiatrist appointment but all the psychiatrists in my healthcare network (I literally called every one) are not taking new patients or have no availabilities. I was sobbing on the phone as I heard no after no…

However I was able to set up a therapist appointment for today. I haven’t gone to therapy in about two years but I have been feeling so suicidal and isolated recently that I feel I need to talk to someone who understands. It is going to cost $90 because they don’t take my insurance but I hope it helps. I have no idea where to start. I kind of have the mindset that medicine is the only thing that helps me but I am giving this therapist a chance. I need to figure out whether there’s a possibility to get better. It’s been almost ten years now feeling this way, since I was 13.

Is it weird that I’m nervous about this? That I kind of want to sabotage it? I am so afraid that if I’m honest with her about the suicidal thoughts that she will make me go to the hospital. However a small voice inside me is hopeful that she can help me. I don’t know. My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry for this rambling post.