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Trying to get help

by whydoiwantto

I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to try medicine again so that I can function and not be crying all the time. I called out of work today and tried to set up a therapist and psychiatrist appointment but all the psychiatrists in my healthcare network (I literally called every one) are not taking new patients or have no availabilities. I was sobbing on the phone as I heard no after no…

However I was able to set up a therapist appointment for today. I haven’t gone to therapy in about two years but I have been feeling so suicidal and isolated recently that I feel I need to talk to someone who understands. It is going to cost $90 because they don’t take my insurance but I hope it helps. I have no idea where to start. I kind of have the mindset that medicine is the only thing that helps me but I am giving this therapist a chance. I need to figure out whether there’s a possibility to get better. It’s been almost ten years now feeling this way, since I was 13.

Is it weird that I’m nervous about this? That I kind of want to sabotage it? I am so afraid that if I’m honest with her about the suicidal thoughts that she will make me go to the hospital. However a small voice inside me is hopeful that she can help me. I don’t know. My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry for this rambling post.

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TheHandle 4/13/2016 - 4:52 pm

I can relate to your suffering. I’ve suffered from major depressive disorder and existential depression since I was around 12 or 13 as well. I haven’t seen a psychiatrist or therapist in approx 2 years too. I just went and saw a new psychiatrist today for the same reasons that you stated. I’m tired of living like this and unlike you, all my attempts with antidepressant medications have never helped and/or side effects were too harsh. I was concerned about telling the psychiatrist about my suicidal thoughts too, hoping I wasn’t going to be hospitalized. I was honest, and he said as long as I wouldn’t act on it and give therapy a try he wouldn’t hospitalize me.

Hope your appointment goes well and I’d be curious to know what medication you are prescribed and if it works for you.

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