Have you guys ever gone on benders? like you want to get so fucked up so much so all you have to worry about tomorrow is that hangover?
well i did that on saturday, and i dragged along my 2 bestfriends. we had a crazy fun night. we watched movies, ate pizza, had beers and had alprazolam. basically, i was happy i was fucked up with these people.
but on sunday i was still so high that i autopiloted my whole sunday. like i woke up and did shit. even had family lunch. they said that i looked sleep af, they didnt know about my bender the previous night. but thats the thing. i remember bits and pieces, like the same way you wake up from a dream and you remember some parts of it. thats what my sunday was like.
so i woke up on monday this morning, thinking it was sunday. literally. then i cried coz i felt like i lost myself for a day. i literally felt like i was dead and all i could do was watch my body go ahead without me.
so i started writing so i could internalize my feelings. idk if any of you will read my shit but heres me trying, ever hopeful. always stupid… (PS its quite long? or just whiney and kind of maybe pretentious-seeming but whatever)
My hands are still shaky. It wiggles as it types.
My brain feels sloshy for being on autopilot mode for a day. I’ve skipped a day.
Sunday was my break.
It was my Sabbath.
I actually couldn’t feel anything. I wasn’t me. I felt dead for a while; I didn’t exist and all I had are these visions of my body, soulless, but alive. I saw my empty shell moving past things, past people, past my consciousness.
There was nothing that stopped it; it carried on and on but for what? My body was detached. It wasn’t me.
But it gave me clarity.
Being alive, doing shit that keeps me alive like eating and drinking is all for nothing. It all seemed pointless and I felt like I was dead. But now that I’ve experienced that, I don’t think I want it anymore. If being dead means not being there for your body to do shit to keep you alive then it’s futile. It’s all pointless now and all I need to do to not be dead is to keep doing what I want to do in life whatever the fuck it might be.
I can’t just do that’s stuff necessary to keep me alive. That would be fading away and aimlessly wandering. An aimless existence.
I need to do the things I want, not just need.
Needing is pointless.
Wanting is getting what you need.
1 comment
oh yeah, Xanax and liquor runs have led me to blackouts in strange places
but it seems like you gained a bit of knowledge from the experience. Not all drug experiences are worthless, that’s for sure. Altering consciousness can bring clarity.
just be aware that some people who are depressed make some very *sudden* suicidal decisions bc of Xanax. I’ve had some of my deepest darkest moments of despair under the influence of those types of drugs (klonopin, valium, xanax, ativan)
it’s a dissociative- you see yourself from the outside. And that can enlightening but it can be absolutely unbearable and terrifying, as well.