Lately I can’t stop feeling like this world is such a difficult place to be in. Obviously, it is, for like 90% of people. But, when I say it, I think so deeply about it. The overpopulation, unemployment, homelessness- so many good and intelligent people with no place to sleep, let alone work. And then I am here. Not necessarily privileged, but certainly more than many, having had a good education, enough money, and a place to live. Is that fair? Do I deserve what so many people could only dream to have.
I complain about this life, my life, and I can’t stop the misery I get from it. But the majority of my misery comes from realising how hard others have it, and how I can’t do a thing about it. Then I get to the realisation that I am nobody. In 100 years time, my generation will be gone. My parents, grandparents, will be completely forgotten. If I ever have children, they’ll most likely also be gone.
You might be thinking “100 years is a long time”, but think of it in the grand scheme of things. The billions of years the earth has been here, and how many billions more it will continue (although I am pretty sure humanity will be wiped out, look at how fast we use the earths resources!), so, 100 years, really is nothing.
Furthermore, those who get noticed are the worst kinds of people. Hitler, for example. Sure, there are many scientists and other people we remember for many years, and will be remembered in many years to come. Some of us will make history. Most of us, will be completely forgotten. Oblivion. I feel like so many people don’t realise this. They spend their whole lives trying to be somebody, and maybe they get there, it’s not impossible. BUT, again, in 100 years, a blip in the universe’ lifespan, we will be gone, and forgotten.
So, you gonna tell me “just live life as best you can, live it for yourself”. It’s so hard when you actually realise how much of a nobody you really are. I don’t desire to be remembered, I want to be forgotten, I don’t mind it. I accept it. What I don’t accept is that my life is “worth it”. If I died tomorrow, many people would care. People would cry, people would be angry at God or whoever, but does it really matter? It’s difficult when a loved one dies, and what is keeping me here is the fact that I’d make the rest of my families lives miserable by not being here, but I also know it generally wouldn’t really matter. For them, it would, but thousands of people die a day, the universe doesn’t notice. It keeps turning.
This revelation has me stuck. Some days I have no desire to get out of bed. Attend classes, even wash myself. Because I feel nothing I do matters. The world is a game of natural selection, it’s not just for animals. Sure, its not “kill or be killed”, but it’s definitely the strongest survive. What’s wrong with me wanting to take myself out of the equation? It’s not because I am sad, (I get depressed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I wan’t to die because of it), but because I am taking up this worlds valuable resources and money, by just being alive- when in years to come, I’ll be bones in a casket.
Gosh, this is so depressing! I’m probably really not helping anybody here! I don’t want to, I just need to get it out of my system, because if I explained this to anybody, they’d probably lock me away! But if they really listened to what I am saying, I think they’d see that its the truth. Our lifespan is just a blip on the universes lifespan. Whether we die months old or 90 years old. The lifetime is barely anything. So, really, I am not going to be anybody, I’m okay with that, but that’s how I see the world.