I want to be wanted…

I sit alone in my house, overwhelmed by emptiness which I must admit sounds like a strange sensation. It began in my chest and climbed its way up my throat and just sat there. The pressure is unbearable and it is a struggle to breathe. I can feel my heartbeat pounding in my head and I lay down and concentrate on my breathing. Breathing in I try and count to 9 then attempt to hold the air in my lungs for 9 seconds before breathing out slowly for 9 seconds. I read online that this was meant to help. It does to an extent. Although i don’t think it’s the act of breathing that helps but the counting. The counting helps to take my mind off the emptiness. 

As I sit here alone I can’t help but to ponder as to why I am here. What does it matter. Deep down I know that it matters to my family that I am here. But the little voice in my mind can’t help but asking “what is the point?” Everyone dies eventually so why not now? Yet at the same time the act of dying terrifies me. So much that it leads to the overwhelming emptiness taking control of my body. So why would I even consider doing something that scares me so much?

Sitting here I know that many others are sitting alone too. Thinking the exact same thoughts that I am. We begin and end each day, walking around in our dreary lives not accomplishing anything substantial. Even if you do complete an amazing endeavour who is honestly going to care? What makes winning a gold medal in the olympics any better than passing a subject at school. Who is to decide what is considered important and what is not? After you die your family will remember but after they are gone no one will remember at all. And if they do remember what does that even mean? It means nothing to you because you are gone.

I try to be positive and I like to think that if we are going to live out this meaningless life we might as well spend it doing something we enjoy. If you are going to spend your whole life working you should do something you love! The tricky bit is finding something that you love enough to spend your whole life doing. I decided to go with journalism. I don’t know if i do love it but i guess I loved the idea of giving someone a voice that ceased to have one. Someone that was ignored. Someone who is treated the way I feel.

Tonight I sit here thinking about running away or to simply disappear. Hence the reasoning as to why I ended up on this site. Those four words brought me here via google. “I want to disappear.” I think how easy it would be not to feel this emptiness, the way it constantly sits at the pit of my stomach. Although I am extremely glad that I did so happen to stumble upon this site. I feel so so alone and I hope that this rant helps me to connect with others.

I think to myself that I just want to be happy. Happiness was one of my new years resolutions. But what is happiness? True happiness? How do you achieve this?

I do have several friends but they all have closer connections with others and I am always the one left out. I tried to make a new friend recently and she ended up turning on me then attempting to turn my other friends on me. Every relationship I have had has ended in them cheating on me. So I can’t help to wonder… what the hell is wrong with me? I am not good enough to be anyones best friend or lover. I know it sounds stupid even as I write it but I am honestly just craving human connection in the hope that this will bring me happiness. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to be ignored. I want to be loved. I want to be adored. I want to be wanted.