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My Hope has eroded away :(

by losthope35bk

I need HELP.

This is how i’m feeling….

  • My willingness to keep fighting this endless loop of misery, pain and fear has totally eroded away. I feel I offer nothing… well nothing positive, only failure. This torture I’ve existed with for the past 20 years is a sign that I’m not meant be here. I’m sure I’m being punished by a greater force for being a noncontributing, useless burden. The longer I stay, the longer I’ll suffer.

I’ve was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD) over 14 years ago and have been on almost every antidepressants as well as lithium but none have worked for me. My psychiatrist has gradually increased my dose of venlafaxine to 225mg and has me on 2mg of risperidone. To make things worse I have retinitis pigmentosa and ankylosing spondylitis. I have regular talk therapy (CBT) with my psychologist but I feel as bad as I felt ten years ago.  I’ve been hospitalized on four occasions in the past 11 years for failed suicide attempts (3 were cries for help) but this time I’m determined to go through with it if things don’t change. I don’t wanna’ die but I can’t go on with the pain for to much longer.

I’m posting this here in hope someone can give me a reason to keeping fighting and not kill my myself.

ps.. I have no friends plus I love my family but I’m totally convinced I’m a burden on them.

 

 

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3 comments

False_Determination 5/23/2016 - 10:52 am

If you’re looking for a reason, you’re going to have to find it yourself. Even if .the reason is small, it’s better than nothing. Think of a set of goals. If you don’t have one, make up something, even if it is stupid or small. As time goes by, start accomplishing those goals. They can be anything from going to the store or fixing something that’s been broken for a while. Then move on to larger goals. Try to forget about everything. Blast some terrible music to keep your mind off of it, if you need to.
Talking about it with your family helps, a lot. They’ll be there for you.
You’re not a burden. That’s just what you told yourself. If you call out to them, then it’ll be obvious that you want to live, at least for them.

If you really need a reason, make it your family.

Good luck.

They Call Me Amy 5/23/2016 - 11:23 am

I think we are all looking for reasons, and we find them in the simple things I guess. Life isn’t good all the time, but sometimes we feel like the good parts of life will never appear for us, that is the worst part of living I think, when only bad stuff happens and we can find a reason to keep moving on. But you are alive, you are alive for a reason, and you are still breathing for a reason, it’s your task to find that reason, go after that little spark of hope you have inside you, get up and keep movig on.
Everytime I am feeling worthless I try to listen to some relaxing music, there is a video of underwater sounds on youtube that I always listen to and I try to read a book, to draw a little bit or even to do some watercolor, just so I can find happiness in the little simple things. I have medical issues too, I have a lump on my breast that may or may be not a cancer, and I also may be not able to get pregnant. So this things are hard to make you wanna keep your head up and be optimistic, but I need to, why? I don’t know, I still haven’t found my reason to exist. So I’ll keep trying and I won’t give up because I am here to do something special and unique (like everybody else), and I will. You have to think like that, even tho it’s hard, you have to have these thoughts to keep going on your journey! Good luck 🙂

They Call Me Amy 5/23/2016 - 11:25 am

so many typos sorry ;-;

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