I know I just posted today, but meh oh well…. I NEED to talk about this…. So I’ve been sick for awhile now, last Friday was at a point where I couldn’t even walk short distances without almost (or once actually) passing out…. I couldn’t really breath, I was coughing a lot, my throat hurt and I had body aches…. All that good stuffs…. so I made the trek out to my doctor on Friday (it wasn’t easy) and she gave me 875 mg of amoxicillin for me to take twice per day…. I’m feeling so much better now…. still coughing though, and still mostly deaf (ears plugged but can’t clean them out) is much like how I felt 3 weeks ago when this was just starting. However I’ve apparently now reached the point where I will cough until I vomit…. As in bed trying to sleep I fell into a coughing fit, and I almost vomited then, I decided to just try to resist this feeling and go to sleep, thinking that maybe laying there in bed will make me feel better…. Nope. I ended up vomiting while laying in bed…. that made quite a mess, as it was really nice and liquidy…. So I ended up having to wash all of my bedding again and having to take a shower (it got all up in my hair, took awhile to wash out 🙁 ) and I didn’t even have any clean towels left to dry off with…. so now I’m cold and wet and have nowhere warm to sleep (I only have 1 blanket) and I’m still fairly sick, and I don’t feel well in general from the vomiting…. Life really isn’t doing a good job of selling itself here…. I’m really starting to feel like I’ll never feel physically healthy again in my life, and that I’ll be sick forever…. I should just kill myself, but I’m clearly too much of a little ***** to do that. I’d probably fuck it up. -_- Grrrr sorry I’m having a fairly bad night :/
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
7 comments
Nothing like whip cream on top of a shit sundae, right? Moments like the one you are in now are when we are most vulnerable to act, BUT they are not the time to act – One should only leap after long deliberation and deep introspection IMO. I’m still looking for reasons to live because I have P-lenty to die. Been in similar but not quite as messy, middle of the night just-want-to-sleep exhaustion when I would have to clean up after my dear old dying dog (rest her soul) and I know how infuriating it is. Sorry for your troubles, I truly am, an hope you get well soon. AHA
thanks ^_^ is sad to hear about your dog 🙁 dying pets are always sad…. but at least you are taking care of her 😀 Yeah I know it would be a bad time to act, yet I know it’s a time where it is very appealing…. I really am going to be surprised if I make it threw tonight without any form of self harm, at least I don’t have easy to access sharp objects around me anymore ^_^ so if I do something at least it won’t be permanent 😀
I hope you are having a better night than me.
I am on the East Coast and as per usual, am unable to sleep and up hours before I wanted to be up. Dog has been dead for 2 years now btw, but thanks for the asking. We had 17 good long years together. I wish I had someone to take me on that long last ride to the vet most days, but every day I stay around I can find a reason I am glad to be here, even if it is something stupid like seeing a movie I’ve never seen before or a sunset or something. I always thought, with great relief, that when a certain something happened to me that I would simply ‘step off’ and it got me through a lot of anxiety…that’s ideation, of course…but when the thing finally happened to me a few months ago after 14 years of anxiety and worry, I realized that I was afeared to do it. Not b/c of the big things, but because of the little things I would miss about this Earth, my existence in this particular time. I believe we all go to a better place, but I wonder if all the little things I enjoy will be there? Like movies, music and video games (I’m 41, sad but true). I imagine the looks I’d get upon entering some kind of a ‘Heaven’ for lack of a better term, with limitless possibilities for anything imaginable, and asking my guide about XBOX or internet connection.
If you can get out, the absolute BEST cough drops that taste like shit but work great are Fisherman’s Friend…they taste like the mints that would give you morning breath intentionally but they really, really work. Have gotten me through some horrible winter chest colds while I waited for the antibiotics to do their magic
hmmmm I don’t currently has money for coughdrops (I need what’s left of it for Saturday) So I’ll have to just make it threw with honey and what has you, the cough drops I had earlier today didn’t do much anyway, they all generally left my mouth fairly quickly when I had a coughing fit…. I just can’t wait for my Blanket and sheet to be clean and dry (probably about 4 hours away) so I can curl up and sleep :/ I’m on the west coast, so it is sort of a bit late I guess…. Happily my weekend does start today so won’t have to wake up for anything…. Except maybe to go to the bank…. Banks are open Saturday though right? O.o I go out to lunch with a friend on Saturday and I needs money for that, I has like $8 and a check for $8.75 which will be enough ^_^ I’m just scared of cashing such a low value check as the bank person is going to see how little a week of my time is worth…. (yes that was a week’s pay from a place I used to work a few years ago, they lost the check and just got it to me a bit ago) But yeah I would probably be exactly the same, video games and card games are what I would ask about…. However I’m still rooting for no afterlife and just to be able to stop existing, things were so nice before when I didn’t exist….
I second these are the best working cough drops and they totally taste like shit for sure.
No afterlife? I have a hard time believing you, no offense intended. Imagine no money or all the money you want or able to have whatever you want w/out the need for money. I have this belief that the afterlife is a never ending dream that we each have. Everyone you know will be there as you remember them and you will be able to reconstruct your ‘Heaven’ from all the places you’ve ever been and even those you haven’t but which you have an imagination from or have seen on television or movies or read in a book. Time is a human concept…your dream could last the eternity which is your dying second. Perhaps time stops for you in the instance of death, so your dream lasts forever or as long as you wish to experience it. (Then, I personally believe you can have another go as another person as I personally have had glimpses of another time and life…now you think I’m crazy, right) Just my theory, but if Heaven is one, same place, then someone wouldn’t like it and it would not be paradise to them. I think life is merely for the accumulation of experiences for this next, boundless existence outside of the physical. If I didn’t believe in this, then I wouldn’t be here (on this site) b/c I would not want to expedite the end of the only existence I was ever to have no matter how shitty it is. I had a glimpse behind the curtain as a child at this other place, which became the foundation for my belief. And come on…this entire Universe for nothing? by chance and coincidence? I heard an evolutionary biologist, who had been an atheist but through his research changed to believing in some sort of a designer, say that ‘believing that the human body could come to it’s present form by chance is like believing that a tornado ripping through a junkyard could resulting in the construction of a fully functional 747 airliner.’ I respect other’s belief or lack of belief, but I find it difficult to believe that anyone can truly believe that their consciousness will just end. I am only worried about consequences of ending my own life, though I am leaning very hard to the side that there is none, that it doesn’t matter how you get there, but that small part of me that doubts that belief is enough to keep me around for now.