Really depressed and pissed off again. I’m not sure why this happens, but it sucks. Hopefully I can put an end to it eventually. I mean, I want to move on, but I can’t. I can’t keep listening to everyone telling “It will get better.” “You can make it through.” I just wanna sink and be done with this brutal Rollercoaster of pain.
This is not life, it’s a huge lie. If I’m too weak to handle it, so be it because I’m done with it all. Everything I’m trying isn’t working anyway. The definition of of insanity is trying the same thing expecting a different result and I am doing just that. It’s time to try something new.
I’m going through it and that’s that. When? I don’t fu*king know but it will happen one way or another and that’s that. If anyone tries to stop me, I’ll take them with me. This isn’t life and that’s a fact. I’ve hurt so many people, I’ve lost count and I’m paying for it. This is just too expensive for even what I’ve done and I don’t wanna pay anymore.
I can’t apologize, I can’t go back, if I could I would. I’d go back and Kill myself before it even started and be done with it. I’d watch myself bleed and just die. This is a load of crap that I don’t deserve. I just want out. I’m sinking and am just ready to put it to end. The insanity stops now.
4 comments
It sounds to me like you have done some things that you are not proud of in the past and that you keep beating yourself up over it all. I think you need to learn to forgive yourself. That is just my opinion but I think you really need to do it. Learn to forgive yourself for things you might have done in the past that you are not proud of. Forgive yourself and then think about doing what you have already stated. Change your behavior and don’t do those things anymore.
Forgive> forget > and then move forward.
Move past all that stuff and be done with it all.
I can’t forgive myself. Hell, I can’t forgive anyone because some things just can’t heal.
Advisor, if it’s any consolation, I know some of what you are going through.
Life sux and then you die, but we are all human and we all make mistakes.
I dislike all those peptalks of,”chin up, things will get better, time will heal you, blah, blah, blah”. Sometimes the pain just runs too deep. It’s a struggle just to get out of bed every day and then you wonder, “is today the day”? Is someone going to do or say something, or is something going to happen in everyday life that finally pushes you to call it quits???
All I can say is try to forgive yourself for the pain you’ve caused others. Just like me, the self imposed hell you have created for yourself is punishment enough in this life.
Not trying to talk you out of your final act, but if you want to vent or just talk, I’m around.
I wish I could tell you life gets better, but I’m almost 55, and speaking from my personal experiences, I would be a liar if told you that. I guess it comes down to how much inner strength you have. Mine is long gone, and it sounds like yours is barely hanging on. Focus on one day at a time, not yesterday, and not tomorrow, just try to get through today, okay?
Today is just like every other, I wanna do nothing but scream “HELP!” at the top of my lungs and I can’t tell the difference between today, yesterday, or even the war from from 4 years ago. Deja vu for the rest of my life.