Usually, I await spring because there’ll be some relief, some hope, some optimism. This was the first year that spring arrived and that accompanying deep sigh and saying goodbye to the darkness of winter never came. The roses on my arbor bloomed, the honeysuckle is now out and I’m back to driving barefoot — but it’s merely pleasant, at best. My 15 year-old daughter told me the other day that I’m her best friend. I knew girls growing up whose mothers were their best friends. In my high school yearbook, people had under their photos “143 Mom and Dad!” 143 stands for “I love you.” I know what it feels like to love my daughter; I don’t know what it feels like to be loved by a mother or think of my mother as my best friend. I cannot relate to my daughter’s love and respect for me and I can’t internalize how much I mean to her. At this point in my life, she is the primary reason I’m still breathing. I just take it on faith that she would be terribly damaged if I were to take my own life.
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I’m 56 and I bought my first pair of sandals. Also, I’m not living in the Sudan. My son loves me very much even though he texts me at the rate of one character per day. Of course it’s getting worse; entropy y’know. Celebrate the fact that the it isn’t getting much worse any faster. Or not.
@CDTYs
Wow, this year’s Spring’s gift’s already been delivered and you didn’t see it! Your daughter telling you that was this year’s present, you silly goose 😉 😀
You know how many parents out there only dream of hearing their children saying that?
Mother Nature and Life have done you this favor of bringing some relief, a sign of sorts every year… So perhaps this is the year it is YOUR turn to return the favor and make that relief happen on your own.
I sincerely believe that THAT is your gift this time, the opportunity to show yourself that you can make life happen, and in a big way. Just ask your daughter.
Oh, you’re right ~ I have blessings beyond measure.
Well, we’re in the right demographic group by age — and if you’re white, also, than by race, as well. Maybe you’re right ~ there is a natural decline.
I’m sure you’ve tried so I might sound ignorant saying this, but if it’s getting worse it’d probably be a good idea to look for help if you aren’t at the moment. It’s cruel that depression can make such beautiful things so different to how they should be. If depression is bad enough that it overshadows any good, and if it keeps doing so no matter how grateful you are, I think it should be addressed separately – especially if it’s been getting worse. You’ve earned the love of your daughter and should be able to enjoy it, as well as the spring. I have a lot of respect for you for trying to bear it for your daughter. I hope the darkness lifts and you’ll be given some relief soon.
Trix ~ on the one hand you’re right, but I’m 52 and I’ve tried it all. Therapy, anti-depressants, the 12 Steps, being of service to other, prayer, meditation. Someday there’ll be a cure for this — I’m very confident — but I don’t see it happening in my lifetime.
I’m really sorry nothing has worked for you. Every so often I hear about studies and new or possible future treatments, but unfortunately most of them do seem out of reach for the time being.
As cliché as it is I will remind you that things get worse before they get better. I don’t know if I personally believe that. But maybe it will reach you. But it sounds like you don’t need to wait for the spring to pull you out of the cold winter. I know winter is hard to fight through because it is so hard to stay inside with the darkness and cold creeping in. But it seems like your daughter is a bright light as warm as the summer sun in your heart. And so you can skip the spring you have been awaiting because you are incredibly blessed and have the love of your daughter to drive you to get better. Good luck.
You’re born. Things get worse. Things get better — you die. It just takes so damn long to get there.