Hi my name is robert, I am a pansexual male. By 23 I have two children, one of them only 5 months old. I thought i would share my story, if anyone might want to hear it, it might be on here.
When i was young i was constantly abused, physically, mentally. I often think it was the mental abuse that was the worst. My father worked so much to support the two children he adopted. He sold all of his motorcycles, all the things he cared about. With all that work it did not leave him much time to be a parent. He was often hateful but i do not blame him. My mother was addicted to Xanex and the likes and her insurance stopped covering it suddenly so she had to essential cold turkey it because she could not even get anything close on her insurance. She would hit my twin and i, scream at us, slap us for crying. Some of the worst things happened when she hit my brother. For years i lived in fear of her and in even more fear of what she would make my father do. If she said hit them, he would. I took the brunt of things often getting in between my brother and my mother, even though he was born first i grew up at a different level. I had that hatred and resentment in my heart. The details are a bit fuzzy, i have suffered through a lot and blocked out a lot. I was on the wrestling team, the one thing that made me happy and man was i good, all through middle school i was undefeated and in highschool the only time i lost was regionals. Those ohio boys are no joke. I was always the smart child, i got good marks while my brother was the underachieving expectation. My parent held higher standards for me, i remember the first time i got a c and my mother would not let me wrestle anymore. My parents would of killed for my brother to get a c. After that i was lost, the one good thing i had going for me ripped away.
My anger towards my mother had built up, i had shingles, stomach ulcers. Constant anxiety attacks. One day she hit me and my brother said something about it so he got a hit too. But that moment she hit him i had finally gathered the courage to tell her to stop. For my insolence she struck him again. I have always been flat in the ways of affect. Some would call it a resting ***** face, but that instant of primal rage was the most overpowering feeling i had ever had. It felt good and i liked it. And i just beat her, like i had never hit anyone before, out of rage, out of fear, out of love for my brother i cannot say what it was. After that i was locked up in juvy. All of that rage i had amassed over the years was like an unrelenting waterfall. I fought the other minors in there, the correction officers. I did not care who it was. I was strong and i knew it.
After i got out i went to live with my sister just spiraling down deeper, I was essentially a goth kid, in an all country high school, the police report stated “that marilyn manson type kid.” But i am getting ahead of myself. For the longest time i was bullied and i always told myself it was wrong to hit anyone back. Strangely enough i can’t remember why but i told my mother about it and she replied with “hit them back.” The school staff refused to do anything about with even though they were completely aware of what was going on. I got in multiple fights, suspended, expelled. The last time i got kicked out it was only a suspension, it was mostly over spring break, so when school resumed they let me come back for some reason. I am sitting there in the first day back and 5 police officers walk in and ask me if my name is robert *******. I was arrested right there. Supposedly i had a gun and hitlist at school. I told them first off if i had a gun i would of used it, i know damning but it was honest words. Second of off why would i ever be dumb enough to carry around a piece of paper with peoples names on it of people i wanted to kill. I often contemplated death and such, i was a dark kid, i longed for it honestly. Without any real evidence and a shitty attorney given to me by the state, in my ignorance i believed his words saying to plead guilty would be the best option. I was locked away for around 3.5 years in a mental institution. Not because i was crazy but because i was so violent. Angry at the world for doing this to me. I never wanted to hurt anyone but that is how it happened. I had cut myself for years prior, a few months ago i actually did and had to be rushed to hospital. I got into over 130 fights, a lot of the people had to be hospitalized and in a way that was a way of making me stay there longer so i did not have to go back to that hell i was before. I made up seeing shit, hearing things, the whole lot just so i did not have to go back home. They constantly beat us there, dosed us with way over the legal limit of sedatives. I got out and it was all downhill from there. Plagued by constant nightmares and panic attacks the 3 hours of sleep i could get were torture.
Eventually i ended up meeting a woman, we have a 5 month old together. I cheated on her early on in the relationship out of fear of abandonment, kinda like self sabotage. I didn’t know how to be happy and it scared me. I have never been happiest than holding my daughter in my arms. I have been a stay at home dad because neither one of us trusted daycare. I was going to start signing up for veterinary science coarses. I didn’t even know i had a son for 18 months of his life, he is a little over 2 and i have not gotten to see him much. We had a miscarriage losing our first child, not so early on in the process. Children were the one thing i wanted the most in this world, my SO made all of my anxiety and worries go away. She helped me more than any medication or therapy could just by being around. Now i don’t have that, i fear she stopped loving me sometime after she had the baby. But it’s been a week now since i’ve seen my child. Just up and gone and everyday i contemplate suicide. I have decided it would be Sunday. I don’t think i can make it past that. I really have nothing left to live for, my life has been so tiresome…I just want some rest.
In closing i am sorry for the sloppy story, it’s unorganized i know but there are so many emotions. I have a long history of suicide attempts…Clementine daddy love you more than you will ever know, i am sorry i won’t be there to see you grow up.
12 comments
Why can’t you see your son? She can’t legally keep him from you.
It’s not only my son, my daughter as well. She has reason to hate me so the best thing i can do is leave gracefully
Just because you cheated doesn’t mean you can’t see them. It’s not the typical family but 50% of families are single parent households. Don’t worry though because the parent who keeps the child away always gets heat and child turns on them when they understand with age so the kids will hate her for that.
No it’s a long story, essentially i was drugged one night when i went out and i made advances towards my roomate, charges were filed. but i can’t even remember it, all i remember is the confusion and thinking i was with my SO. But she doesn’t care. Asides from the struggle of going to court for visitation, i don’t want to be the dad that they don’t really care about that they see every other weekend. She and i can never have a good relationship…I still love her though. Also I refused to be locked away for this potentially serious charge that is of no fault of my own. I never want to hurt those around me, they’ve been the best part of my life. But they’re all gone now so i really don’t have any other options.
In a sense you are right, who wants to be a weekend parent? But you still are a parent. It’s better to not be there, then to ‘be there’ and not want to be. Kids can pick up on that. Just think about it a little more and if your mind hasn’t changed then do what you have to. Nobody should be forced to stay here.
You’ve had a rough life. I find it ironic that your mother advised you to hit back at the bullies when that is how you responded to her when she was your bully and you got sent to juvi. I’m sorry your parents failed you, the school failed you, and the government failed you.
I think bringing children into this world is a serious thing. You are at least committing 18 years of your life to them. Please don’t abandon your children because that’s exactly that. Imagine your child facing the things you did and realizing you can’t do anything for them because you’re dead. Don’t count on someone intervening in their lives to protect them in your place. Looks like there wasn’t one for you. And sure you can’t fend off all dangers but they’ll know Dad is here, Dad loves me, Dad will be there for me. If not at this moment, then in the future when life is more stable. Be to them what your parents weren’t for you. If when they reach adulthood you still feel the scars of your life and that helpless void I know all too well, you can leave knowing you did your duty.
Speaking as a child of divorced parents, and whose father was only present in the weekends, yes I resent Dad. I resent him for not calling during the week to ask how I was doing. Who didn’t ask the school or my mother why I stopped doing well. Who after a few years of the weekend arrangement, (which wasn’t the worst thing in the world, it made him the fun parent) decided giving my mother a check every couple of weeks sufficed as being a father. In the eyes of 10 year old me, Dad spent time with me for 2 days because he had to, and stopped because he didn’t care anymore.
I think I would have felt more loved if he took it upon himself to get involved in my life. Have conversations, check in with the school ( hey dad notices something is wrong with me! he’s watching over me) and made the most of those 2 days he had us for himself.
@ AnnieBear Thank you for your words but the thought of not being able to hold my children and to kiss their little cheeks when i want is too unbearable. I will most likely get locked away for this mendacious charge and the inability to pay a decent lawyer. She has already said I will not be able to see them if i am locked away. I was supposed to be that parent that mine never were, i can’t handle knowing that i will never get to be that parent. I really am not a bad person. I have no adult charges and i got over the stuff from when i was younger but i don’t feel as if just toughing it out is the right choice. I talked to my estranged sister recently and she said “man up.” Because it’s not ok for a man to hurt, for a man to cry. A man cannot express his feeling of being ripped apart at the cellular level even to the ones he thought might want to care. The best encounters i’ve had in my life are from strangers, just random acts of compassion and i wish that was enough. I’ve never had help in my life and every since i was young i have been doomed. I am on disability so i can’t even afford to get a car so i can get a job. I have been forsaken and i will just be another statistic. Even though I can work i just cant get there alone if you know what i mean. And people don’t have that kind of love for another human. The amount of times i just wanted someone random to come up to me and say hey live with me i’ll help you get your life back together. But i go from one toxic environment to another. The perpetual cycle.
I’m sorry if I came off as insensitive to your pain or situation @skits_kitty I’ve never had children and reading posts where the parent would rather leave this world, the little girl in me swells up. A part of me wants to “slap you awake” from wallowing in helplessness but aren’t I trapped in the same mentality as you? Adding to that, I don’t have a solid method of action for you either, I’m only speaking nice words (that i say from the heart.) I hope my words at least can keep you looking for one. It’s hard doing anything without money. I’m not sure, look to social services and see what they can do? Job search assistance, skill training, food stamps, healthcare, etc,. :/
No i was not offended but in my case of the pain, I am not worried about leaving them. They are old enough and they won’t even remember me. I just hope their mother let’s them know how much i love them. they will get another “father” somewhere down the line and be a lot better off then having this broken shell of a person. My parents were nothing but drug addicts, got adopted by abusive ones. Maybe if i had stayed with my OP then i would of just gotten into drugs and drowned out all their issues. I feel like i am worse off objectively. These were people that knew my mother, that were supposed to take care of my brother and i, but it turned into a betrayal. At this moment it’s now been a week since i have eaten. minimal liquid. strangely enough though my mother who was the worst to me seems to have the most sympathy. Though i do not think she actually understands what is going on. She just sees it as me being “a little bummed” about my current situation. I left home when i was about 14 and never went back. Visiting minimally as possible. I can’t even hold a relationship because i push everyone away when i get content or happy.
Hey, you’re story is really compelling, I think you should stay alive. I know how hard it is, trust me I go through it everyday, but you need to be there for your children. They may not ask for you now, but when they grow up, they will want to see their father. Your children will want to have a connection with you, no matter what you’ve done, because you’re their father. It is a strong reason to live, you’re children need you, and you need your children. Trust me, not being able be there when your children are older will kill you, and it will mentally damage them. Keep on going, you’re stronger than you think
I know i am strong but this effects me ever seeing them again. Their mother has already said if i get locked up she will never bring them to see me. I know that if ivwere them i would resent her and possibly hate her. I could mever do that to her. That is why i want to make it so clear to them that i loved them prior. In all honesty i am just tired. She was never uaeful in fixing my problems as in talking. In fact that was thw issue. If we ever had a spat she would never want to talk thing’s out. We didnt have many tho. She only listened when i got angry and yelled. I hated her for crying after i yelled because i did not want that. I just wamted to talk, for us to grow as people, as a family. I dont regret having my kids and i will always love her but i wish i had gotten with someone who was good at communicating