probably going to kill myself soon

no real point in shouting this out here, but I’ve got no one to listen to my ramblings in real life so venting it out on the internet feels nice.

I’m planning to kill myself. I probably would have done so long ago if I weren’t afraid for the sake of my little sister, but she’ll get over it in time.

I can’t handle the near daily nightmares, I can’t handle waking up every other night in a panic and sweat and dreading the sight of my bed because it means nothing more than fear to me

I can’t handle living in a family that hates me for being trans and having a mother that calls me delusional and disgusting and unloveable. I hate the fucking dysphoria and the need to carve out the fucking tumors on my chest.

I hate being disgusted with myself for cutting and punching myself. I hate needing to cause physical harm to myself to keep from dissociating.

I hate having my memory of my childhood in shambles, and getting the occassional memory of my mother’s ex choking me or getting attacked and punched.

I hate the loneliness, I hate losing the people I love and not having a friend left in this world I can reach.

I hate the constant fear of everything

Most of all I hate living without dad. He died late april and I dont see any reason to keep trying when theres only three people left in my world; one is abusive, one is moving out soon and one hates me.

so yeah. im orobably going to kill myself here in the next week or so. i slipped the rope around my head for a quick testy (or to actually die) and i panicked because it tugged at my throat in the weirdest way, but ive been meaning to kill myself for the past four years or so.

wish me luck in finding another way past this fucking bpd breakdown