How did you feel immediately before, and for that matter in the days leading up before you attempted when you knew you were planning to exit?
Did you feel calm, or hysterical, immediately before?
I am planning to go this week and I am starting to get a very morbid feeling, kind of what I will leave behind. I’ve no idea how I’ll feel immediately before but as I am not able to secure a quick painless exit I guess I’ll be very scared.
I have suffered severe depression for a long time and now I fear it will develop into mental illness. Depression I can tolerate, but not mental illness. It is cruel to make those who live in agony live.
17 comments
What does a person feel when she/he decides to go? It is a difficult question because it strictly depends on the circumstances of the situation when you decide to go.
Personally, I tried to commit suicide because the pain I felt was unbearable. I couldn’t breathe anymore (literally) and I was lying on the floor shaking in spasms. I would zone out every few minutes with these weird shivers, which I still get occasionally until this day. I was crying a lot when I sat in the bath and swallowed the pills, because I felt nothing and this vortex of emptiness started devouring my personality. I also thought that I was a burden (as my boyfriend’s friend made me feel) – my boyfriend had left me one hour before my attempt and refused to talk at all. We can say that they bullied me into suicide. I didn’t even feel that I was “there”. So I kind of decided to put all my eggs in one basket. I saw no other option and I had to quit. I couldn’t handle the paid I was given to bear. I believe that if I hadn’t done it, my head would have exploded. Too many feelings to deal with. I am only a human being and there are some boundaries I can’t cross. But when I was doing it… When I was swallowing the pills… I felt euphoric! I finally showed my middle finger to the world and overcome my weaknesses. When the guys from the ER in my town came, I was laughing as if I had heard a great joke. The worst thing was there was a guy in the ambulance which I knew from my junior high (he was in one class with me). However, it has been 1,5 year now and he’s been keeping it secret.
Anyway, when I got to the hospital, I was crying like a baby. I feel ashamed of myself because it was such a stupid reason to cry. Of course, everyone really hated me but I should have shown them where was their place…
The other reason for choosing suicide, besides bullying by my boyfriend and also classmates, was that I thought that I was about to be classified as a mad person. But now I know that, well, at least according to my knowledge, if you suffer from depression, it is very unlikely to get other mental illnesses, unless you start doing drugs or drinking. I was in the same situation as you are now, and I thought that I was going insane; however, as I was informed, everything which happened in my head two years ago was induced by the unusually high level of stress and that weird kind of fear I felt.
So you should think about it before choosing suicide. It doesn’t always work and your stay at the psych ward may or may not be nice, and sometimes it may be expensive too.
PS. The funny thing is that the boyfriend is back and now he’s clinging to me and asking not to leave him.
Jesus Christ, when I see these grammatical errors, they burn my eyes. Sorry, I am aware of them but it is so late that I am about to fall asleep on my chair.
i cant relate to the boy friend part, since im a virgin. but i must say that i can relate to your feelings of ”showing the finger to the world and overcoming the weakness” You have a way with words..
i think i qualify in a way, immediately before felt great, this is it! finally i’m gone and soon it will be over, it was a since of relief, however knowing it’s not going to be painless, if you know it’s going to be painful, YEAH! Be scared be very scared!
Before: Exhausted but calm, relieved that the choice had been made.
Immediately After Failing: Completely devoid of energy, as if breathing was now a full-time job I could barely handle.
One Week After Failing: Still suffering but becoming more glad that I had failed.
Cordless, i wasn’t trying to kill myself, but having an heart attack, i knew i was going to die, i refused to call 911, and just laid there, WTF! I started coming back! and did, then i went to the doctor 4 days later, to get checked out, i kind of had a dumb look on my face, and started going through to motions of what a normal person would have done 4 days earlier, i think i was curious as well? what happened? why did i survive? after going through the testing and them asking questions it lead to going to the doctors, for other reasons, i started thinking about my other problems as well, which help me want to live, thinking that things could get better. i still have a dumb look on my face! perhaps a plastic surgeon is next?
No, you don’t need a plastic surgeon.
You need to put up a different Gravatar. 😉
P.S. I’m glad you lived.
Me too.
That really makes me feel good! two of my most favorite people in the world caring about me! i feel a little special. 🙂
Yw
Rocky, speaking from sort of personal experience, I don’t think anyone expects to have a heart attack. Plus, it doesn’t sound like you were thinking, “Oh, I’m having a heart attack. Perfect chance to attempt suicide!” What it does sound like is subconsciously you thought dying would’ve been better than living as a vegetable or bed-ridden.
live dam it!!! lol
I remember the first time I truly attempted 3 years ago I had been depressed intensely for the last week and had failed tasks that made me feel I wasn’t worthy of living. I. Had decided to use a rope and strangle myself out of air in a near excluded alley in my city. I had walked the streets at 12am-3am with no clear destination just seeing the cars pass by and thinking about the reasons I should be dead or even hopping someone I loved might save me and change my life which never happened. After having reached my destination and attempted I reacted and seen I had failed and somehow felt an amazing sense of relief I hadn’t done it and short motivating thoughts that their was hope to change things around and months past I still felt the same but at-least felt what it was like to have almost been close to death.
ive attempted suicide three times. twice by overdose, one by self harm. both of my overdoses, i died, but came back in a sudden horrible ending to a fairytale.
the way i felt before was numb. i really dont have any other describing things for it. i didnt have any emotion, i didnt cry, didnt laugh, or anything. i just laid in bed for weeks before in my own filth because i literally couldnt move to go to the shoeer and get clean because standing up too long was too much for me. i remember thinking way too much about suicide and what it would be like if i was dead. i pushed people away, fought with my family and friends, slept all the time, barely ate and just planned to die. its a scary feeling. i dont know if your feeling any of that, but i hope i could atleast help you narrow it down to what feeling your having at least.
(sorry my spelling is a bit weird, i type wayyy too fast)
I can’t really answer your question as I’ve never tried to kill myself (although I came very close to trying once, eventually decided against it and it’s honestly gave me strength to keep going ever since) and so all I really have to say is this. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through but I really hope you choose to keep going, find something to hold onto, even if it doesn’t want you to. For me at least, if I can think of any reason at all, even if it’s stupid or unlikely in every way, that’s enough of a reason to try just a little bit more. What have we got to loose.
Also reading the posts and comments on this site where people make it, whether it be on purpose or not. Really makes me happy. Hell I don’t know any of you but thank you for making it. Thank you to those who found a reason to keep living and to those who still have to strength to look. You’ll ever know just how much it really helps
Before: unnoticeable by anyone else, buy shaking,and having a hard time breathing.
After: wishing I had succeeded… can’t do anything, and forgets how to talk for a couple weeks
Attempt one:
Before: Crying with different emotions, lots of feelings…. Taking pictures of my self harm and being alone as always. Lets see, if i remember i was smoking lots of weed, going on hikes a lot, and i think i was just generally avoiding eye contact with strangers and being more physically isolated. Feeling disgusted with people’s reactions to everything around them, feeling like im fading away into nothingness
After: my stomach felt like utter crap from taking those pills one after the other and i realized the method was utterly shit. Felt numb and heart broken, unloved and left behind. Felt guilty though in a strange way..
Self harm:
Before: hoping there won’t be any brain damage
After: concussion, and feeling shitty that no one even noticed i was on the ground unconscious for 10 seconds and bleeding from my head after hitting my head to concrete.
Attempt two:
Before: trying to see if destiny will make people realize im going to be gone and they will show some kind of lasting emotion that will make me hestitate.
After: Plastic bag rips, realized method has a very unsuccessful rate due to the survival insitncts and lack of sleeping pills, as all i had was some anti depressants, anti psychotics, weed, and alcohol. (the last one im not very fond of)
Attempt three:
Hanging…coming up…in the future which seems like a distant cloud changing shape before my eyes