This last month for me since school ended for the year has been a lot rougher than i expected. My depression is back and haunting me worse than ever before. I have attacked myself a few times. Mostly because I am fed up with failure. I have filled out 9+ different summer job applications it has been 3+ weeks or longer and I have not heard a peep from any of them.
It is seriously getting desperate cause I would like to have some kind of funds to pay off my horrid summer classes and to travel with. Its getting to the point that I am seriously considering on posting a ad on Craigslist on doing favors for cash. I mean there are guys that do like thick and curvy girls right? All I would have to do is update my bc pills and put on a little make up .I highly doubt it with my ugly ass but you never know.
My summer classes HA! thats another nightmare all together stressing me out to the point that I get anxious just thinking about it . Plus it doesnt help the fact that my parents constantly are asking questions and nagging me about them it really doesnt do me any favors. I woke up with a nasty bruise on my right eye this morning and I have no clue where the hell it came from. Till my mom accused me of self harming again. Which no on can know. Dont need another excuse for them to mock me about being the fuck up in the family. Or an excuse to get locked up in the nut house ( which is the last place I want to end up)
Its been made quite clear to me recently that my sister is the favorite child in the family. whenever they ment to or not. I am not blind with sheep wool over my eyes I can see it quite clearly in face. SO many privileges and oppurtunites she gets to do but i never got when i was her age. Not have to worry about any responsibility. Literally every time i get in a fight with her my parents immediately take her side and make me the bad guy. Even when it was not my fault it still is. I bet they wonder why i haven’t died yet.
Also about what happened in Orlando a few days ago hit me pretty hard. Did i personally know any victims in that shooting? No. But me and the victims had one thing in common were all part of the lgbt community. For my fans out there I am Bi Sexual. I mean its bad enough that a huge number of us are misfits but its even worse when were specifically targeted. I mean yesterday on social media I was forced to block a friend of mine who I have considered as family for years. said that if i continued to express my sexuality that i will end up with the same fate that the victims in Orlando got. Which angered me to no end.
Well I think I ranted enough for today. 🙂 see ya.
1 comment
Hey, I can understand how you’re feeling, don’t worry, just take things as they come. Maybe spending more time with friends might release some of the tension with your family? Yeah, my brother is the favourite in my family, and it sucks, but it encourages me to do more things outside my family. Omg yeah that Orlando shooting was so messed up, I’m Bi as well, and I was so surprised that there is still so much hatred around sexuality. I mean hello? It’s the 21st century! But yeah, you’ll be fine, don’t worry 🙂