….because I’m not going to die, however badly I want to.
….because I know I’ll come back here and read this one day.
I hope you feel better now. You MUST do- if there’s no ‘better’ than this (as I’m so afraid might be the case) it seems impossible I’m still alive.
I hope you got to feel happiness again. I wonder how? I’m in so much pain now, Even if something happens to make me happy, the pain taints it. I didn’t know that was a real thing- I thought people were ungrateful for saying that! So ignorant.
I miss him so much. I’m scared to ask if you still miss him, if you think about him even in your sleep, if you talk to him in your head, he’s the only person you want to talk to. I hope it doesn’t hurt so bad if you do- in your chest, in your throat, in your stomach. I can’t believe it’s come to this, again. Sometimes it hits me over and over what’s happened and it’s like seeing the truth of my whole life and that’s when I beg for death. I hope you found out those moments aren’t really the truth- I just don’t know at the moment.
God I hope you’re reading this and nodding and smiling to yourself cause now you know the reason all this happened and it’s all ok now and you have peace.
Some stuff to remember! (because one good thing- I say ‘good’ very euphemistically- is that I learnt a lot the last two and a half months)
Don’t ever be afraid to tell the truth! Even if it’s scary or embarassing- you will regret a lie so much worse.
Hang onto everything, however silly it seems, that makes you feel that pure love from out of the blue- REMEMBER that is what will save you. And you ARE NOT a bad person if you can feel that. As long as you can feel that, YOU ARE NOT IRREDEEMABLY BAD.
Don’t forget how little things that would have floored you before seem now- you’ve known pain beyond anything you thought you could produce, whatever truths and lies are part of it, that is true; they are so little.
All your superstitions? However it might seem, they have not protected you from shit. Stop if you’re going back to them! It. Isn’t. True. Work hard, be kind, be authentic, creative and determined. Those are the only determining factors in what happens next.
You are powerful, powerful, powerful. Feel it. I hope you feel it.
I hope you are ok now. We can’t go back (even though that’s all I want) but I hope there’s a future worth all this.
2 comments
That was beautiful.
Just read this and couldn’t help but think about my choices and how i regret some of them…most if them. but this really helped me understand that i’m not defined by my mistakes. thank you for this!