This is my first real post on this site.
I am a 32 yo ortopaedic surgeon in an eastern european country. I have been contemplating suicide from the beginning of my residency.
Today something that I have been waiting for about twenty years to happen has indeed happened.
For about a year now I have been working in my hometown hospital. This afternoon my mother called to tell me that my former physics teacher from grades 6 to 8 has called my father to ask if I could see him (the teacher) for a bilateral knee fracture (patellae and tibial plateau fracture) sustained roughly 6 to 7 years ago while falling (drunk) from a mototcycle.
I have given my mother permission to give my number to my former teacher.
Full disclosure: the above physics teacher has beaten most of the pupils in the class in those two years that he ‘taught’ us, including myself.
I have been waiting for 20 years to get a chance to tell him what’s on my mind.
And I did tell him.
When he called I reminded him about the times he used to beat us pupils with a stick.
He actually had the gall to try to make me see him at his residence.
I refused and told him that I did not seek him, he sought me for my services.
I told him that because his health issue was not an emergency, he should go seek the advice of the doctor that operated on him, and also that I do have the right to refuse to examine him at this stage, given the fact that his issue was not urgent.
I also have advised him that if he should ever bother my parents again, by phone or otherwise, I will notify the relevant authorities so that action could be taken against him.
Legally, according to romanian law, I am allowed to refuse a patient as long as the pathology does not represent an emergency.
Ethically, even if I would accept the patient, I could not treat him to the best of my ability given the history.
I posted the above in order for everyone to see that even physicians are not immune to stress and mental health issues even though the events that triggered them happened a long time ago.
I feel strangely liberated that I have seen the wheel turn full circle for once in my favour and be able to say what is on my mind to the person that it should be said and not a surrogate.
Full disclosure again:
I have not refused to see/examine a patient before in my 7 years as a resident/consultant.
I hope I have not offended anyone here. Reading your posts has given me insight into my own problems.
Have a good night and may you find the peace of mind that you need.
6 comments
Did you ever care to think that he might have been seeking you out to toy with you a bit? Seems pretty deliberate to contact the parents of a student from nearly 2 decades ago. In a manner of speaking your teacher did the age old act of “contacting your parents”.
I will however agree with you that ruling with an iron fist is utterly the most repulsive way to mold a young mind, and whether he was toying with you or not, I commend you on this victory today…
Hi. I totally support what you did. You were not obligated to treat him. I think your decision was totally ethical given your past painful history with this person. And by the way, I write risk management for doctors in America. Maybe having a chance to speak your mind will give you some measure of peace.
You know this place never ceases to amaze me. The people that actually come to this site. It just shows no matter what we do or are in life everybody needs mental health support and can be affected by suicidal ideation.
Good on you for refusing to treat him. Who cares what his motives are. It’s like his own karma coming back to haunt him. If only he was a good person you would have helped him. Don’t feel bad.
I certainly don’t have all the information but from what you said, I cannot see anything improper.
It is a good thing that you had the opportunity to tell him directly what was on your mind and I hope it brings you some sort of resolution.
Though I come from a culture where teachers often times, in primary school, use corporal punishment on students when they don’t do their homework etc, there is a tacit agreement about limits. What bothers me the most is the fact that some of them overstep their boundaries and get off on abusing the students in other maybe to alleviate their personal frustration about life.
In some cases, for them, it is like having “carte Blanche” to abuse and display the extent of their “power” over others.
If you don’t mind me asking, what are the reasons that make you contemplate suicide?
As a side note, what I find most difficult in doctors and nurses careers is the constant contact with suffering, death and so on. What I see in hospitals is too much for me to bear. It fills me with a sense of powerlessness.
I think my thoughs began in my first year of residency when I lost my first patient. At that time my colleagues helped me in understanding that sometimes, even though you do everything right, it just is not enough.
There was a second event in my second year. I was offered a job in a german hospital. I was pushed to accept it by my family even though it was not something I was ready for. I finally gathered my strength and refused to go about two days before the job was supposed to start.
The third time I thought about it was when I worked in Ireland. It was a big trauma center and sometimes I had to do 96 hour calls over the weekend (fri am to mon pm). I waited until the end of my six month contract and left. My colleagues told me afterwards that I was beginning to unravel. Funny thing was that in my mind everything was ok.
When I finished my residency I came back to my hometown to work in the hospital. I chose a less stressful place in order to be able to function adequately.
To sum it up for me the ideation is stress related.
I hope i have been clear enough in my writing.
Yes, very clear.
Many of my relatives are doctors: general practitioners, surgeons, you name it.
I was encouraged to go in the same field but I didn’t. I knew it would break me.
I would say, I am too sensitive to people’s suffering. Even though I know death is part of the whole cycle of life, it gets to me when I see decent people suffer needlessly and die early.
I admire your capacity for standing up for yourself and making the choices that are best for you. Not many would’ve been able to withstand family pressure like you did