I don’t care if no one reads this. But I’m too alone and I just want to talk for a sec.
Something weird has been happening to me lately. I’m getting ready to actually do it, and for the last little while I keep having all these flashbacks. It’s like my life flashing before my eyes but slowly. I’m seeing all these memories I didn’t even know were there. Nothing special, just vivid moments.
No one’s talking, I don’t hear anything. I’m walking down the hallways of all the schools I’ve ever gone to, I’m feeling the fall air in the hideous sweater my grandma knitted for me, I’m eating French fries off the hot pink lunch tray my mom used to have, I’m sitting in the boat on the lake with my stupid life jacket on.
I don’t want to see any of it anymore.
4 comments
it’s weird remembering things you didn’t know you remembered. then it’s hard to forget til it’s forgotten again..
guess life is made up more of the mundane things that slip through.
i don’t have any advice or solid reasoning. i have a small question, though. is there anything more you want to see? i know the last thing would make everything stop, but are there things you still want to experience?
Thanks for your comment, it was really sweet. It’s funny you should ask that. I keep thinking of the things I won’t do again if I leave right now. Winter is my favourite season, I want to walk through the snow with my boots on. Mostly silly stuff like that. But I keep thinking of the trip I took to Europe last year with my sister. The streets, the restaurants, the awful hotels and running through the airports. It makes me want to to cry when I’ve been feeling nothing but numb for so long.
What are the memories you do want to make?
I really don’t know. It’s all so bittersweet. I really hate being alive. Yeah I’ve had some good times but the memories make me feel sick at the same time. I’ve been suicidal my entire life, but there was always this bit of hope and promise that I could keep going anyway. Now things just seem so final, I dont think I want anymore memories.