Update on me

hello, I have missed you all!!

i have not written in quite some time. When I joined this website I was 14 years old! I was suicidal and alone. I had no where to turn and I was afraid. I think a lot about my past and I wish that things could have turned out differently, I wish I never loss my boyfriend at the time, I wish he wasn’t my first to have sex with at 13 because I see now how attached I was to him and how much I loved and cared for him, he was a jerk and did not deserve a girl like me. I wish that I didn’t have to lose my dad and best friend to cancer at 13, I wish i was never struggling with depression and that I didn’t cut myself or overdose on pills. now I understand a lot of the mistakes I made because it makes me who I am and that my past is what makes me stronger person. I have since the last 4 – 5 years of being put through the residential and hospitalization, I am now 18 and free from what monsters used to haunt me. My mother, the death of my dad, my depression, my cutting, my eating disorder, I see that I can make a lot for myself and be who I want to be. I think a lot about my current relationship and the way I feel about him. I think a lot about how lucky I am to have somebody like him and how he helps me heal from the pain and the suffering that I hold inside. I have still been struggling with my suicidal thoughts and the urges to cut or purge but he holds me close and helps me heal. I shouldn’t be so reliant on one person but when I can’t be my own best friend and I can’t be able to turn to friends I see that I can turn to someone and feel safe. I have been through hell and back and now as that urge to cry sits in the back of my throat and in my stomach I have to let the crying out, I can’t hold in much longer. crying is healthy but it makes me feel more helpless and alone really. I think a lot about the intensity of the emotions I feel and how upsetting and quickly it feels. I guess I hate panic attacks.. the emotional part of my brain takes over and I fall down.