I’m done.

I don’t know how to say it nicely but I’m done. I am so tired. Tired of living a lie. It’s gotten progressively worse this summer, to the point where it’s 10x worse than it’s ever been since I developed depression several years ago. No one cares about me, I know that. I’m the one to message others, to call them, to love them, not the other way around. I know I’m unloveable. I don’t know why, I have theories, but I know it’s true, it’s been proven many times. I imagine it must be exhausting for others, my “family” and “friends” to pretend to like me, I know it’s exhausting myself pretending to think that others like me and love me. I’m off my antidepressants now due to my choice, I know that could be why I’m feeling this way but I really don’t care anymore. I felt depressed on antidepressants, I just feel more depressed off them. I wish I could fade away, painless. I wish it was that easy. Instead I’m stuck in a home that’s not home, family who’d much rather pretend that I’m alright for their own sake, a “bright future” that isn’t bright at all, and friends who’d much rather do everything else in the world than be my friend and hang out with me. I’m pitiful. I’ve been thinking about killing myself for some while now, at least since July. I think I’ll try to just cut out as much contact with the outside world as I plan. I think doing that will make it easier. I’m not sure how I want to do it, just a painless method. I used to think I couldn’t do it, that people loved me and would miss me but I know now that’s always been an illusion. There’s really nothing holding me back anymore. I’m done.