i am not going to start cutting again.
i am going to tell myself this until i do start cutting, until i just can’t help it anymore, until it’s time to tell myself again that that was the last one, honest.
this is how i deal with things: deny. deny. deny.
keep walking. it doesn’t matter how. it doesn’t matter for how long. it doesn’t matter why, or how long it takes to fall again. it doesn’t even matter if walking is possible, if i should be doing it.
i fall, and i get up.
there is nothing else. there are no apologies. there are no bandages, no balms, no breaks, no tears.
it is not kind like i am not kind. it is not gentle like i am not gentle. it is not patient like i am not patient.
this is not living. it’s moving. it’s standing strong and collapsing on a loop, because this is all i know how to do.
i am very strong. i am very capable. these are not lies.
i am not going to start cutting again, and that is a lie.
i know that. i always know that.
i always know.
for once, i wish i just didn’t.
2 comments
I’ve been down that river before.
As far as denial goes.. sometimes you do what you need to to get by, get through the fall. and then pick yourself up again.. sometimes all we’re left with is a handful of maybes, and the hope that we can make things different.. that the circle can be broken.
i might benefit from adopting those particular “it doesn’t matter” ‘s into my life.. obsession over why’s and how’s isn’t getting me anywhere.
But.. it’s clear you’re a survivor. it takes a certain kind of mentality, for sure.
sorry that you have. how did you get out?
yeah. i’m sure there’s a point to this somewhere; i’m doing this for a reason. thanks.
it helped me some to stop thinking about it so much. there are still bad days, and there are still a lot of them, but it’s easier when i can tell myself that these times don’t matter. continuing matters; if i can still think that then i can keep going, even if the thought is a lie.
this…. this is definitely surviving. thank you. but i’m not sure i’m a survivor. i don’t deserve that yet.