That has always been one of the more mundane things holding me back – well, no more. Went online yesterday, there was a site where, after answering a series of questions, it produces a legally valid worded will for you. Then, today, I signed it in front of two witnesses, plastering a smile on my face all morning so they wouldn’t become suspicious why. Most people I know do know I suffer from depression.
I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I’ll have to tread a very fine line. I don’t want to get admitted again, but if he can help me in another way I will accept it. So I’ll tell him it’s bad, but not quite how bad. I do have people who love me, two sons, my partner, and some great friends who I would hurt very much by my suicide. So I have reasons to fight back. But if I admit to my doctor how far I’m gone, the choice will only be between voluntary admission and being sectioned. No way, I’ve been in hospital many times, it helped, but I no longer see the point. I always relapse. Don’t know what he can do for me. I’m already on a whole cocktail of antidepressants and mood stabilisers. But who knows. He may just have another pill or something that gets me through this time.
I am so tired of fighting!!! I can win each battle, but I will never be able to win the war. Decades of abuse have left me broken, and I can’t fix myself.
I could have a lovely life now, but my demons keep coming back, and death is the only way to rest, to have peace, to escape the pain – forever. It’s what I long for from the deepest recesses of my soul.
If only I could just stop to exist without hurting anybody, or could somehow make them really understand that death is a thousand times better for me than life. But people who have not tasted this kind of suffering cannot understand….
1 comment
I do think it’s a good idea to have contingency plans in place, be prepared for either way.. and that it should be the final option, after others have been exhausted, you seem to have that mindset. You recognize your reasons to fight, and that’s in your favor.
Death is the end to everything, yes, but good and bad.. and the war always ends in death, regardless of circumstance. probably why fighting the battles matters, to get through to better days while it’s possible, especially seeing as little can truly be *known* even if predicted or believed.
That’s how it usually works for anything.. and it’s such a terrible thing to understand, I wouldn’t wish it on many.
Sometimes there’s respite after struggle, hopefully you can find or be given some kind of Hail Mary that’ll last.