So I got my midterm back the other day. I bombed the thing with a 50%. Failing. Lovely. The teacher posted some extra credit, but I figured that it would just bring my grade up from an F to a D-. When my roommate asked if I did it, and I said no, he looked at me like I was a failure. So I decided to go ask my professor if I should stay in the class. He said yes and that I should do the extra credit. I couldn’t figure out how to do a problem and when I asked him for help he looked at me like I had forgotten 2+2. Then he proceeded to explain how to do the problem expecting me to just remember how to do it. I had absolutely zero clue what to do until he told me what to do. But his face. His eyes. There was so much disappointment in them. I have gotten that look so many times in life. Like, I’m trying (I truly am), and it’s not good enough. For anybody. It doesn’t bother me so bad to get that look when I haven’t really tried. Like in my band lessons for example, I just don’t really practice before hand and show up unprepared. But when I truly try, and they look at me like I’m not good enough? It hurts. I’ve never been good enough. Always trying, but never succeeding. Always failing. Always. I feel like I should just give up on school but then my dad would always look at me like a disappointment. I don’t know how well this whole college thing will work for me, but hey. No matter what I do I’m a disappointment so I might as well get a college degree to have the memories of it all. If I don’t mess that up.
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I am sorry to hear that someone else is going through this similar type of situation. I have just recently started grad school (after having spent a year working in industry after finishing my undergrad). I have been really bad for nearly a year now, but at my job, I found it pretty easy to skate by. Intellectually, it was a pretty easy job, with few responsibilities besides being a decent engineer (which is easier to do when you have a group of people working on related projects and can play off of each other’s strengths). I found my niche there, and I seemed to get along very well in the close-knit environment there. I must say that while I was still pretty close to ending it multiple times while I was there, it was so much easier to put things off one day at a time, when all I had to do was get up in the morning and go to work. Here in school, though, I am failing miserably. I haven’t even managed the work ethic that you have now and what I used to have; I simply cannot expend the energy necessary to do more than the bare minimum (if that). In school, even in a small department like mine is, it really seems like every man/woman for themselves. There is no one there to catch you when you fall or to help keep you standing in the first place, because everyone stands alone in school. I am not in a good place, myself, but I just wanted to let you know that there are others who are in similar situations to yours. And, even if it does seem like a long way off, even if school does suck, there are wonderful places to work like the one that I was at before starting grad school. Unfortunately, I also know how hollow this is for you, because getting to that workplace will be a lot more challenging if you can’t get yourself through school first. That is how I am feeling right now; I honestly don’t know if there is a positive way out for me, but I really hope that you find more positive help to stay afloat.
As an undergraduate, I spent much of my time tutoring (my school had free tutors that they subsidized for students to use at their discretion), and was able to help a lot of people come to a higher level of understanding, regardless of where they were at before starting the sessions. There was never any judgment by the tutors (at least, none that I saw); it really was just upperclassmen trying to help some of the students who needed help earlier on get their bearings so that they didn’t sink. Is that something that is available and/or might prove helpful for you?
Your not trying hard enough plain and simple. If you think bringing down an F to a D- is pointless and that says a lot about you. Your attitude and study habits need work plain and simple
First, there is no such thing as being a failure or a disappointment. If that’s what you think about yourself than maybe that’s because you know you could do better. In that case, go ahead and give your best.
Second, you shouldn’t care about what people think of you. Do what makes you happy. If your family and friends truly love you, they will support you no matter what you choose. Make the best out of your abilities and your life.
You shouldn’t take the look on your roommate and teacher at personal level. Usually we assume that other people do know how they are making us feel with their mannerisms (yeah, that’d be a mixture of reaction/mannerism imho) and… usually they don’t have a clue. Your roommate might feel entitled to react like that since… well, he lives with you, people that are close often have less boundaries. As for your teacher, do you imagine how many students must ask him the same questions every single day, all year long? i mean, if you take that into account… hey, we’d all put on a “2+2” face if we were asked the same question for the gazillion time, lol.
And hey, i hear you loud and clear, sometimes we all feel like we’re failing if we try, but trust me, it’s better to try and fail than to fail because you’re just not trying. And even if you fail while really trying… you do know that’s what happen to most people, most of the time right? the fact that you only see people succeed while trying is because MOST PEOPLE HIDE THEIR FAILURES. There’s a million factors involved in succeeding, so all you can do is make the effort, really (regardless of the result). Plus, if you fail you’ll do better next time, and academics is a learning process, not a “i win” and that’s it scenario.