I hated how my community view suicide as an cowardly, attention seeking and impulsive act. At least when I tried that several years ago, it wasn’t anything like that.
It’s a long story if you want me to talk about what lead to my attempt. My life has been absolutely exhausting, and there’s just no way for it to get any better. I had contemplated and planned my for my death for a very long time. However, committing to my decision to kill myself actually required a great deal of time and determination. It was actually pretty difficult to drown out that little voice in my head telling me to “hold on because things could get better.” But when I did finally commit to my death, I had it pretty well planned out and I didn’t think it was an impulsive or attention seeking act.
I had a regular prescription of 15mg codeine for my chronic back pain and slipped discs. I would only take codeine when my back pain becomes unbearable so I can save it up. It took me quite a few months to save up to 32 pills(because my doctor doesn’t prescribe me much and sometimes my back pain gets really bad). I’ve already set my mind on killing myself for months since I thought I had more than enough pills. I was 16 then, and I was lucky that my parents would be away for a business trip for 2 days. I thought it was quite a perfect opportunity, and when I swallowed the whole lot of pill with some anti nausea medicine that night my parents left, I even drank two shots of vodka to make sure the effects of codeine would be amplified such that I wouldn’t survive. I’ve deliberated about suicide for a very long time, and I really want to just fade away as if I never even existed.
I’ve done quite a bit of research and I’ve read that one side effect of codeine is feeling high. However, I don’t remember feeling anything like that. What I did remember is feeling very, very dizzy some time after taking the pills. I was lying on my bed the whole time and I didn’t fall asleep as fast as I expected. I think I kind of drifted into some form of dreamy, semi conscious state before totally falling asleep. For some reasons, I vaguely remember my peaceful dreamy period being interrupted by episodes where I somehow begin choking and gasping. I think I slept for quite a while, and when I did wake up, I was still really dizzy and sick. I think I must have drifted in and out of sleep for a few more hours, because when I did wake up again, I realised I have literally scratched my upper arms and neck raw. I read that itching is a side effect but I didn’t know it will be so bad. So obviously, I didn’t manage to kill myself. I was really disappointed at that time actually because I wanted to end it all so badly. Thankfully, my parents believed that I the ugly wounds on my arm and neck are just the result of a bad allergic reaction. They would have totally flipped and beaten the crap out of me if they realised what I did.
Well, it’s quite a few years since I’ve done that, so what changed? Well, nothing much, actually. However, I think I have learnt to endure and cope with my torturous life a little more. It’s still pretty horrible honestly, but I don’t think I’d go about trying to kill myself again until I’ve at least figured out a way to kill myself relatively painlessly where death is guaranteed.