True Courage

I have been giving things a lot of thought. I’m ready to go now. I have a good method in my hands. I’ve lived a pretty full life. I fought hard for many many years. When I was younger and suicidal I pushed myself. I thought if you are going to kill yourself anyway why not be reckless and have some adventures? I travelled around the world, jumped out of airplanes, took many lovers. I did my best to educate myself, on my own and alone. I did my best to live life to the fullest I could, alone. I took every risk and did my best to feel and taste everything life had to offer. I’m 40 now. Soon I’ll be 41. The one thing I could never accomplish, my own personal holy grail, was having any kind of family. Never had one, never will. I don’t want to get any older. All my favorite stories, books and films, all end with the same happily ever after. Marriage, children, family. Believe me I have tried for this but I have always failed. Now I’m old and due to bad circumstances,I am broke. I am still alone and I know I am too old to have the things I’ve truly longed for. So soon I will be checking out for good. My time is up. I was scared at first but I’m not anymore. I will leave this world the same way I jumped out of that airplane and the same way I quit all my psych meds against medical advice. I will leap and I won’t look back because I am the one who gets to decide and I am prepared to deal with whatever comes next. I just want to say to all the very young people on this site, don’t be so quick to give up. High school was the most painful years of my life because of my parents. Once I went to college things got a lot better. Once you turn 18, things are in your hands. If you are in your teens or 20’s please hang on a little longer. Live a little. Be reckless and crazy. Once you hit 18, there is no one to stop you. There is a lot to see in this world. Some of it is ghastly ugly and some of it is beautiful and will still break your heart. At least try a little. Much love and best to you all.