I am aggravated. Aggravated doesn’t really cover it, but that’s what I’ll say. Stressed-out-of-my-damn-mind is more accurate. But that doesn’t matter. I must be doing it to myself; no one else my age is stressed. It’s just me “seeking attention”. But, of that were really the case, I would at least hope that I would have realized that it hasn’t been working by now.
I am too afraid to live my life. This probably makes no sense to anyone, but I’m not writing this shit to be relatable or whatever. I’m writing this in hopes that I won’t want to die by the end of it. What a fucking joke! Anyway, I am too afraid to plan out my future. Anyone who knows me would laugh and say “haha, that’s not true! You’ve already told us your life plans!” The thing is, I am damn sure that even if I am somehow able to muster up the balls to get into college, I sure as hell won’t be brave enough to leave my brother and sister with my parents.
You want to know the funniest part of all this shit? My brother and sister hate and despise me! My whole family hates and despises me! I hate and despise me! Do I honestly think that I am somehow going to get better as I grow up? Because if so, I am obviously becoming too naive to function properly.
I used to think that a little naivety was a good thing. Maybe it is; just not for me. When I am naive, I take it to a whole new level of complete bullshit. Maybe I will get straight A’s in school and my parents will be proud this time. Maybe if I keep forgiving my friends who talk shit about me to my face and behind my back, they’ll start to think I’m not as awful as I really am. Maybe, if I can just stay alive a little bit longer, I will figure out a way to fuck myself or my family over.
I don’t even know if I want to go to college. I watched college debts destroy my parents’ marriage. Do I really want to have my life go to shit? And even if I get to college, there’s a very little chance that I’d actually get a job. Even if I did get a job, I’m sure I’d manage to somehow fuck that up too.
It’s not like I really have to worry about the opportunity of college; I have to take care of my brother and sister. I can’t leave them in this shit hole with my parents. I’m worried if I leave, my brother will get really suicidal and my sister would get depressed with all the shit my parents do. I take the brunt of the shit my parents deal out so they don’t have to.
And now I feel like a bag of shit because I just wasted your time with reading all of my problems. Fuck! I am such a bag of shit!
People keep telling me to “stay alive a little longer” or “keep on living” or whatever, but they don’t realize that the way I live, it’s a form of self-injury. The only reason I was able to quit self-harm was because I realized that I’m already doing the most painful, torturous thing I can do: keeping myself alive.
In addition, I’m killing my organs by taking too many pills. I know that if you take all the pills at once, they can pump your stomach and keep you alive. The way I’m doing it, these pills have lots of time to really destroy my organs. Good. I don’t want to live.
The only people might ever want to keep happy are my family, and they’ll only be happy when I’m dead. In all honesty, I’m only being selfish by keeping myself alive. All of my friends are (rightfully) sick of me, so even if their opinions did matter to me, I’d be fucked.
Why won’t I just do it! Why won’t I just kill myself! I don’t want to live! No one wants me to live! I am being a stupid *****! I am too much of a fucking coward to live! I am too much of a fucking coward to die! My entire existence is a living hell! I want to get some disease that kills me off so that I can finally die! U can’t do this! I can’t keep living like this! I can’t keep living!
I am wasting my entire fucking life away, and as much as I want to go and do something about it, I won’t. I don’t even know why I won’t. I am shit. I am fucking shit. I am worthless, and no amount of trying to make myself better has fixed it! I can’t even perform the simple task of living. What breed of worthless fuck am I?
I am sitting here pretending like my life actually matters, when all that matters is the fact that I am going to die soon. I don’t know how soon, but it will come. That is my only comfort. That is the comfort of my family and friends.
1 comment
I don’t know how those lies got trapped in your head but they are not true. I used to think that I was worthless and would never matter. One day I decided that I would stop thinking that way. One day I decided that I was worth something. One day I chose life and told it that it would never get the best of me. I seriously doubt that your family despises you. I get the rough life and the horrible family. My dad is a seriously messed up dude. Abusive, meth addict, and had the guts to say that I wasn’t his daughter when my parents got divorced. I grew up watching my brother get beaten, my mom appearing with bruises on her arms, and being molested. My family left my dad and life was so much better. Trust me, you will want to go to college. Find your passion and find a dream. I am a freshman in college and it is an escape from my past. I get to build me now. I decide who I will be. Trust me, your family needs you alive. I promise you it is worth being alive. Why would your family want you dead? Also, here is something that I have learned about life. People will fail and disappoint you. If you live your life wanting to please people then it will never work and you will feel horrible all of the time. Live life the way you want to live life. Do it all for you. Be proud for you. Be happy for you.