Because this is a site for expressing yourself, I suppose I should. I have a story, as does everyone else, so if you’re bored here’s something for you to read.
I most likely don’t have it as hard as anyone else, or at least most people, but I have contemplated suicide multiple times. Maybe not seriously, but still. Even if I did try to have an attempt, I would most likely not get far. I’m very squeamish so, not only can I not actually attempt, I cannot do anything to relieve myself, relieve stress in the way most suicidal people do. I don’t have the capabilities to cut myself, so I bite myself. My arms and hands specifically.
I don’t know if the fact that I’m squeamish means that I’m not actually suicidal, but I don’t know. It’s a mix of feelings for me. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know whether or not I deserve to even be thinking this way. I feel like I’m just trying to be an “edgy teenager”. Like I’ve said, I just don’t know. I may make a post on why I actually feel like this sometime, or at leastΒ why I think I feel like this. But I probably won’t, at least not very soon.
3 comments
When you feel ready I think it would be a good to idea to write about why you think you are having these thoughts and feelings. It may help you figure out what’s wrong and help you work through the pain you’re experiencing.
Any time that you’re intentionally hurting yourself it’s considered self-harm. Your feelings should be taken seriously and you shouldn’t feel like you have to prove your pain to others. If you can, try looking for healthy ways to relieve your stress. Writing your thoughts down, taking a walk, or anything you may enjoy doing instead of hurting yourself.
Best wishes. π
Hi More
Suffering is relative, so maybe don’t try to compare yourself to others. If there’s always someone who has it worse, so be grateful and happy to be alive, then that means only one person on Earth at any one time is legitimately allowed to be unhappy or dissatisfied with their life. π
Of course, this would be absurd. Because someone in slavery conditions, being raped, tortured, and abused would have legitimate reason to express suffering and complain about it, even if they got one day off a year compared to the next person who gets half a day off a year.
Methods to relieve pain vary by individual. Some, like you say, will cut themselves, some will use fire, intentional over therapeutic doses of medicine, alcohol, prohibited drugs, prescription drugs, hitting themselves, etc., but also some use computer games, talking therapy, sex, exercise, and so on.
If someone thinking of suicide says that they have no doubts, fears, or squeamish thoughts about it, then they are either lying, or severely mentally ill/disabled. It’s a natural biological imperative to preserve the self, except in cases of significant danger, where biological imperatives incline men to protect their clan and brood, and women to protect their children, even if putting their lives in immediate and known danger.
Most people in life really don’t know what they’re doing, and just stumble and fumble from one thing to the next. Ask a 20, 30, 50, and 70 year old if they know what they’re doing with their life and what they want β I’d suggest that you’d get a similar answer from most of them. That they don’t really know.
Your formative years can be a minefield of confusion and desperation. Emotional resilience is an important skill to learn so that you can experience confusing and upsetting times but still move on. A victim mentality is self-defeating. Taking personal responsibility is empowering, and constructive to mood and ability to decide on and pursue your goals.
Of course, when times are hard it can be difficult to see any rhyme or reason with anything. As a teenager you are in a much better position to change. When you get older, if you haven’t changed or learned emotional resilience, then it will probably get progressively worse and harder to treat any depressive illness. The longer an episode goes untreated, the more likely that depression will reoccur and cause more damage each time it does.
Don’t worry about not knowing. Some people might spend a lifetime on that question. π Arguably, the journey is the most valuable endeavor, instead of the goal. Of course, setting and meeting goals does help a lot to see progress and feel a sense of achievement.
When I was in my teenage years and wanted to self-harm, I found that a red pen (I used a ballpoint pen) was actually a useful therapeutic tool to replace a sharp object. Some people use elastic bands around the wrist/forearm and snap them to get a sting.
FYI, human bites (that penetrate the skin) can cause unpleasant infection, as well as cutting with septic instruments. If you choose to do so, you might choose to sterilise the skin and instruments beforehand, and apply antiseptic cream afterwards, to mitigate infection risk.
Most people, especially when younger, tend to have suicidal ideation (thoughts of killing yourself) and may make parasuicidal gestures (calling for medical aid straight away after say an overdose, intentionally doing something you think will fail in killing yourself, hurting yourself on purpose with no intention of causing serious injury or death, arranging to be found during an attempt to be ‘rescued’) to feel in control of something scary they don’t understand, to cry for help, to relieve mental pain, and/or to feel ‘alive’ or ‘feel anything at all’.
Talking therapy, exercise, creative arts, not drinking or using other legal or illegal drugs, and sometimes antidepressants can help to provide that relief you want that are more sustainable.
If you want to get better, then it’s so much better to start younger and make sure you are getting the right help. It can sometimes be hard when you feel down to assert yourself with clinical and psychological providers who might just be following a script or stringing you along β it may help to have someone with you who can read up a bit on treatments so they can make sure that your best interests are being served, they can also ask questions and raise any concerns on your behalf if you’re struggling.
Taking a checklist of questions and concerns to any consultations or meetings can help, so you make sure that you have addressed any queries or concerns, and also to help you keep records and to organise your thoughts.
I wish you the best in your endeavours, no matter what you choose to do. I hope that I have given you something useful to think about, and maybe you’d like to write down your thoughts and feelings β it might help to see it in writing to work out what you really want and how you really feel. The same if you wanted to talk to someone over the phone or in person β it can be very useful to actually hear the words and ideas come out.
*NB: Maintaining your own physical and mental autonomy and decision making is an important natural born right of any human β including the decision of continuing your life’s journey, or to conclude your journey in life. I respect the choice of mentally competent and informed people in making such decisions in earnest, for themselves or their loved ones, whether action is taken personally or with the assistance of the state and/or loved ones.*
Thank you both for the support. I have two expressive outlets (art and song) that I can channel things through. I also have a therapist at my school but, for some reason he had told me to take a break from him. In my opinion it was not really a good choice on his part because it has made me feel worse. I don’t care for the state of my loved ones really. They don’t help me too much and when they try to help, they can’t. My mother is definitely the worst member of my family. She is annoying and suffers from depression herself. So, she is depressing, yet she herself makes no effort to change.
I will start trying to stop infection from my bites, or just really try to stop altogether, but I always find biting myself oddly soothing. It’s a way I can take out raw anger I suppose, or it’s just a way for me to be vicious towards myself, or at all… Not many of my bites penetrate skin as, like I said, I am incredibly squeamish. (And if I got an infection I would freak out and probably scream at everyone in the local area for help).
I understand that I can change, I just hope I have the will to. I have been feeling better lately, better than I was before I found this website anyway. But I keep going up and down. I will most likely post my story very soon.