Im a failure

So since the start of this year nothing has been going right for me.
i failed my first course at uni, and am potentially failing at least 2/3 courses that i am taking this period. the mistakes that i make are just so simple as well, and i keep looking back at them and cringing. my boyfriend broke up with me at the start of this year, now he wants to get back together but barely talks to me. no matter how hard i try i cant seem to do well in anything. my room is a mess, its full of mould because i cant bring myself to tidy up, and because i never have any energy to leave my room all the food in my fridge is going off.
more and more people keep picking up on how bad my mental health is this year too. like i keep making thinly veiled suicide jokes to the point where people are just accustomed to me wanting to kill myself. i dont know which is worse, their concern or the fact that now theyve stopped caring.
i miss last year when i actually had motivation and wanted to learn. i miss being interested in things, and actually passing my fucking courses. The worst part of of this is how people react. i had my tutor go all mushy on me after handing me my failing grade and i just. i cant handle it. its the same reason why i hate people asking me how im doing. fuck off you know ive been talking about stabbing myself and if you think that putting on that concerned tone of voice is going to change anything then you are goddamn wrong. i know that if i try to talk to my friends about how shit i feel theyre gonna try and comfort me, but theres literally no way i can believe them. even when i try and look at it from an unbiased perspective i still look like a failure, so i cant even tell myself that its just my brain acting up
the worst part of all of this is that i know i dont have the strength or the means necessary to end my life. i dont know how i could get hold of drugs i could overdose on without alerting my family, and the bridges and rivers here are not high enough that the fall will kill me, or deep enough that drowning will work. theres enough people here that ill definitely be caught trying to throw myself off the bridge too. i walk into traffic, but there are no highways near here and i dont want to scar anyone. I dont have the strength to slit my wrists, and i know that if i did either one of my friends or my ex will find me and i dont want to scar anyone. u dont want my parents to cry again and i dont want to become the token “person that committed suicide”. i hate this i just want it to be over