I am.. not quite sure what to think.. I mean.. I am just walking on eggshells.. emotionally speaking.. I have been trying to have more good days then bad but the dark cloud has its way of consuming me more often than not. I have been tired. emotionally speaking.. and I really don’t see much of a point of trying to get back on my emotional feet and being strong.. I have been in so much emotional pain that I really am starting too give up on pretty much everything. I stay here because I have a close friend who I know would be crushed if I was gone. I know how much I mean to him but as I sit here day by day the emotional pain gets tougher to deal with. I seem to be holding on by a thin strand of hope. its fraying fast and I just want to let go. I am disgusting. a lot of the time, when I think about a lot of romantic relationships I’ve had.. I know that all of my relationships were just to get into my pants. sex is really if not all of my relationships with males were. Being bi-sexual I have had some good female relationships but never really had seen them as 100% romantic. Usually we were both just in the moment with each other and getting intimate. I have never really had a good person to actually fall in love with and be myself. I have always been on “first date behavior” I usually am just putting on my best act and looking the best that I can be. I have never been in a romantic relationship where I could just let my walls down and not have to worry about my hair or makeup or the way I looked in the mornings. I have been alone for so long and I have been really good at just putting romantic relationships aside and trying to focus on myself. I seem to always put myself in the shittiest of positions. I can’t ever get a grip.. long story short. I have intimacy and commitment issues.. add that to the long list of my problems that make me fucked up and an awful fucked up person… I want the tears to just flow down and to let go of the fucking bullshit that is fucking me up… I am trying to stay strong.. I am sick and tired.. the mental pain that I go through each and every fucking day is so much.. in fact it is too much… I am typing on my key board really loud as I type this.. If I can’t scream and cry I am going to murder the key board.. I am done trying to do this.. it has been too god damn much.. it is three in the god damn morning and I WANT TO SAY FUCK IT AND LET GO!!! I have been beaten down and pushed to the ground… There is WAAAYYY to much shit to deal with and I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.. I am pretty much just wanting to give up and say I am sorry to those who want me hear but am not able to have me here anymore… I have tried to be okay.. deep down in all honesty.. I want to try and be okay again.. smile and not have it temporary.. I want to be happy and okay because I can.. I am feeling so hopeless and so sad and so angry.. I am so so sorry that I feel this way but I do.. I am trying to make it through day by day but there is so much inside of me that is telling me its okay to die.. its okay to just leave the ones who love me the most.. I am so lucky that I have the few people I do yet.. I feel so alone inside.. I look at them and I just want to break down.. I am really trying hard.. to make them proud because they know that I need to be happy and okay again… I LOVE THEM SO SO MUCH and I do not want to leave them behind.. I feel selfish for wanting to leave them.. for wanting to be dead.. even though death scares me.. I want to be dead more often than not.. I gotta stop typing now, I am emotionally drained..
XO, Love Always,
Falling_Soup.