I’m still here. 5 months later from the last time I was severely depressed, and I’m still here. It could be the seasons changing… or it could be something worse, but here I am again… Back to typing away to relieve whatever it is that’s bothering inside of me. My not so secretive journal.
Am I seeking attention for doing this? Maybe. But in the condition I am now, that’s all I’m longing for. I feel so alone.
In reference to Melanie Martinez’s song ‘Dollhouse’, I feel everyone imagines my family as flawless but behind the curtains, we’re flawed in every little way. My mind goes into this horrible trance where all the negative comes out and I simply cannot control it. Family. One “big old happy family.” Sometimes I wonder what it would be without me. Maybe it’ll actually be happy. I know I would be. Having sudden tightenings of the chest whenever I’m around my family is not normal. That should not be happening. There has to be something wrong.
College is great, they say. Meet new people, discover who you are. Lies. All of it. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. I feel even more lonely than ever… All I see are people using each other, partying, failing, and falling depressed. I struggle everyday to get myself out of bed. I struggle to become motivated to go to class. I struggle to study. I struggle to pass my exams. I struggle to pay for college. I’m struggling.
Depression for me comes and goes, although it never really leaves. Moments it’ll be there, but will be very weak that I won’t notice it. Other times it’s too hard to ignore, and the pain and horrible thoughts are screaming through my head. Every time it gets this severe, it comes back 10 times worse. And each time it happens, I get more and more scared. The thoughts seem a whole lot more tempting now. Back then, I was too afraid to actually cause myself any harm in fear that it wouldn’t work. But now, as my depression has gotten a lot worse, I’ve actually managed to convince myself that it will work. It has to.
So the question now is. Why am I still here? Why haven’t I done anything rational? It’s because there’s a little bit of hope in me left. Hope that everything will get better. Hope that I don’t have to do this. Hope that we’ll be a happy family. Hope that depression is just a phase. Hope that I stop feeling this pain. I know this hope is something like out of a fairytale, but it’s giving me something to hold on to… Even if it’s just for a moment longer.
The close people around me. Are they suffering from depression too? I’ve tried to talk to them, but they laugh it off assuming I’m joking because I’m too young to be depressed. It’s like they don’t understand what I’m feeling. It confuses me. People say to rid of the negative, but what if the negative was your own family? How do you deal with that? I had recently ‘rid’ of my brother by simply ignoring him and blocking him from my life. It helped. But every time a holiday comes up and I see him again… I get these horrible chest pains, and all I want to do is cry. I get surges of fear running through my body and my hands tingle with numbness. I don’t know what to make of this reaction.
Christmas is going to be a pain in the ass. Pretend I’m happy, smile at the camera and around family. Ha. I can’t show any other emotions or else I’d be another Grinch, and that’ll just make my depression reach its final break as everyone will have a negative verbal reaction towards me. This is going to be another blue Christmas…
I have no idea what I just wrote… Just gibberish as always, ranting on and on like a pathetic girl I am. Let’s see when the next time I may post… A couple days? Months? Maybe years?
2 comments
Well you have my attention
If only we could pick our family. You and I aren’t so far apart. I’ve been receding from my family, myself, for a few years. My parents have fought consistently for years. It used to be really awful as a child watching a super jacked ex NFL player (for physical size reference) pull your mother across a room then threaten to bring a gun in if she doesn’t leave, or watch him on top of her wrestling as they are both screaming and my sister is panicked and crying, plenty of these kinds of things have been unsparingly dropped in in the most unpleasant times in my life. Once it became normal I thought I’d be fine. Then I moved across the states, was stabbed and raped, and lost a best friend to suicide all in the same year. I ran away a few times as an adolescent and I’ve made countless attempts on my life. I’d been pushing myself forward since I was hospitalized two years ago for a suicide attempt. I had made progress, therapy helped some, before I found I didn’t want to go and manipulated my way out of it. Things went pretty well until college came. I started my first year of college this year and boy did I fuck my life over royally. I’ve failed 3 of 5 classes. The two that I passed are C’s, and I’m a computer science major. So, fuck me. I can’t even blame the system for failing me. I smoke too much pot but I can’t stop because I have a girlfriend who’s become mentally dependent. The love-of-my-life is growing apart from me. She’s also depressed, but not so far down the rabbit hole as me. I’ve been suicidal and begged for help. She responded with a kind of “oh well, on your own, I don’t know what to do.” Type attitude. She is always like this. I love her beyond what any person is capable of, but she brings me down. I can’t leave her because she will most certainly kill herself. I’m a stranger to my family. I’m so tired of pretending to be okay. I almost killed myself last week and the week before that. Last week I came so close. I inhaled some alkyl nitrates (poppers) and slipped myself into a suspension noose. I learned that it was definitely too low. I blacked out from taking too big a popper hit, and I felt the noose tighten. By that time the dopamine was kicking in in my brain and I was peacefully slipping away. Sadly, once I blacked out, my body went into panic and started fighting to get the noose off. I was so close to death that I could feel that I wasn’t a part of my body anymore. I wasn’t feeling pain or discomfort, just peace, once my hands got the noose loose, I came back to reality. I was so frustrated that I didn’t die that I almost killed myself (hehe). At this point I’m hoping that the money I get from relatives for Christmas will be enough to buy whatever I can to ensure my death. I just wish I didn’t have to die alone. That’s what I hate most about every time I’ve tried to commit suicide. The loneliness is what really gets me. I hope you find peace or hope