im a coward. one big coward with daddy issues. to him, it seems like my problems are far from real, and that they’re just in my head. that if i just “thought” about being happy, i would be. newsflash, depression doesn’t work like that. i cant just turn my suicidal thoughts off. believe me, i would if i could. but i cant, and thats why im sitting here in the psych ward hating myself and wondering why im still alive. id be happy if it was that easy.
but instead, the doctors are trying to get me to talk to my father about my feelings. but i cant. im just too much of a coward to tell him how he makes me feel. how depression effects my every day life. i hate it. i just want to do it already, but for some reason i cant.
i cant even tell my friends how i really feel because im afraid. they know how bad my depression is, but they just expect that im getting better, being in hospital. but im not. and i dont have the heart to correct them. if i could, id tell them how im getting worse. how i dont feel a thing. how numbness just engulfs my body. how my medication makes me feel worse instead of better. how every day, i wish i never woke up.
im in a twisted state of dark thoughts and anxiety.. and i cant seem to shake it. i just want to leave this world. im slipping and no one hears me. people say i just need to hope, but all my hope was taken up when i was in the psych ward in November. now im just nothing. a young girl wishing she was dead.
cheers to 2017, hopefully my last year
8 comments
The way I see it you have nothing left to lose beautifulsinner…you are already in the psych ward…might as well let it all out to your dad and your friends…what secret is left to keep at this point. Why not see it as a forum to get some serious shit off your chest to those who need to hear it most…it might do wonders for you.
I second jadedjewel.
I actually think a psych ward might be the right thing for me sometimes. Too much happened in my mind at the same time.
But then I think the bastards arent gonna get me. It’s a nightmare existence I’ve got at the moment, but Im at a stage where no one can help me, unless they can do a mind transplant. If I go in I’m gonna come out the exact same as I am just now, so I’m gonna try to hold together no matter how hard it is.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My father has the same views. Hevwould say, just do “x” and you will be happy or pull yourself up from your bootstraps, etc. Totally clueless. When I was inpatient, the doctors tried the same thing about having me talk to my dad. I agreed as it was the only way I could get off the 5150 or 5250 to go home. But it only made it worse in the long term as I realized the issues are his not so much mine. I still have major issues with him but I’m much better now and learned to tolerate him by limiting contact. Just the other day he again called me a selfish narcissist *****. Seriously. He does anything he can to manipulate and control me and loses it completely when he can’t. Every situation is different but I really regret letting him in to my mental health struggles. According to him, focusing on my health and well being is selfish. I wish you the best and think you should trust your gut.
im glad someone out there knows what its like. i just feel like if i told him things wouldnt get better because hes just so clueless about mental illness and stubborn. i really am going to try and limit contact with him, i mean in about 8 months ill be moving out so i dont have that much longer to put up with him. 8 months feels like an eternity right now though
I totally understand. Even my doctors couldn’t help him understand that mental illness is a lifelong illness that will have ups and downs and require managing. One thing I learned is to trust myself and my gut is usually right. Sounds like you have a light at the end of the tunnel. Thstd awesome. Do your best to focus on you. It was hard for me to deal with him until I felt good about myself and my life. Once I got there….his antics didn’t matter as much. I promise…if you focus on making your life worth it for you, other people’s crap affects you less…at least in my experience. I’m thinking about you and really wishing you peace and hapliness.
Sorry for typos:)
I just think keeping things inside does more harm to you than letting it out. It may not effect your relationship with your dad but it’s one less thing to be carrying around. Lessening contact with him if you’re able to can be a very good thing to your overall mental wellbeing. Getting rid of toxic people in your life, family even, can put you in the right direction to get feeling better.