Who have I been trying to kid?

I’m pretty outspoken and blunt, it just happens. But I want to be honest with myself because I don’t feel like I really have.

I had one relationship my whole life and when it ended it broke me. That was about 2 years ago and it’s been a difficult time recovering. I’ve told myself over and over again that he became a horrible person that I never really loved him that I was attached and afraid of being alone. And while those things are to an extent true I did still love him, truly I did. I have a horrible family that says and does some of the most fucked up things sometimes. I became a fucked up person because of my family and things that happened to me growing up. I was mentally in a very bad place I wanted to die, I valued nothing, I hurt myself, cried constantly, basically I was battling my own demons. And for what ever reason there he was and in my life again and I couldn’t not tell him that I loved him. And so I told him and we were together, everything was perfect. But I was still battling my demons and I couldn’t conceal it from him. He saw my scars all of them he saw how my family treated me there was no filter anymore. I couldn’t handle it all the time so I would cry and beg him to save me, to understand me, to feel what I felt, I wanted the pain to stop and without knowing I put that burden on him. He really did care, he tried so hard, he wanted to rescue me and take me away to be with his family. But my demons infected him and ruined him, me, and us. He loved me and I loved him I can’t and won’t deny it anymore. He let me go and it was hard at first but we set each other free.

I don’t know if I can truly love again and that hurts me. I tried to love someone I cared about and it messed me up and led me into a dark hole when I couldn’t love him. I am at least $15,000 in debt and I am literally broke constantly my part time job pays me crap and I can’t even manage to pay my bills. I just want to have a better semester and graduate. Sign my contract and start getting paid so I can pay off my debt. I hope this year will be kind to me.