confession.

i need this off my chest.

when i was younger, my grandmother was the light of my life. from my mother having me as a teen and not having any babysitting options, my grandmother was my only consistent good thing. even as i was harrased by students and ignored by teachers. even as my mom picked up smoking. even as my stepdad came into my life. she was always there with a smile and a treat. she was warm. kind. powerful. the kind of woman that could move mountains. about a year and a half ago, she was babysitting us at our house for a change. my pc had needed to be cleaned for about a month now, but i was always putting it off because i was(and still am) a lazy piece of shit. my grandmother was having difficulties with it, as older people do with new technology. she can upstairs to ask for help. but she fell down. all i heard was a thump, and i got scared. i stayed in bed for around ten minutes. only her moans eventually dragged me downstairs, and i didn’t know anything was wrong at first. i propped her on the couch, and she told me to leave her alone. so i did.

my parents arived back later that night. she wasent dead, but she had busted her hip. they got her to a hospital quickly. i knew there had been something wrong, so i had wanted to call 911, but she told me not to. she was in and out of the hospital for months. those months passed in a blur for me. after visiting her as a family after three long months of suffering, she died. she had had kidney problems that were getting better, her hip was looking great. but as the doctors attacked this, she had a heart attack in the dead of night.

i was in shock during those few months of sickness and re-sickness, diagnosis and misdiagnosis. i only visited her with my family, despite having a bus pass, given to all students for free unlimited transport across the city.

in total, i visited her 3 times in as many months.

if i had removed the bloatware from my pc so she would not have had to ask for my help? she would have lived.

if i had called 9/11 earlier? maybe she would’ve gotten better and faster treatment instead of the months of operations.

if i had visited her more often? maybe the stress wouldn’t of made her have that heart attack, or at least she wouldn’t have died so alone. she doesn’t deserve that.

she doesn’t deserve me.

say what you will about what i did. useless frivolities. the simple answer is if i wasent such a shitty person, she would be alive.

maybe i wouldn’t feel so worthless.

then i didn’t even go to her funeral. because of a stupid birthday party. from what i heard, it wasn’t much. just a few loves ones burying her ashes. she deserved so much better.

but i didn’t even come.

i don’t know why im posting this. maybe if i release these secrets they wouldn’t consume me as much. plus, im so close to just snapping and ending it anyways, so what does it matter.

this isn’t even the worst thing ive done either. not even close.

i deserve to die a thousand deaths.

she didn’t deserve to die at all.

funny how life works.

thank you for listening to this. hope your existence is worthy of what you are, as opposed to mine being not worthy of me.