This one I have been thinking about quite a bit lately… Though certain things that are good happened this year. 2016 was mostly shit as far as me being emotionally, mentally and physically healthy.
It makes me wonder on why god is letting me live like this and being extremely miserable and unhappy with my life. It made think about the 3 times that I tried to take my life in the past.
The first time I was 13.. I was being severally physically and mentally bullied in school for a variety reasons by some of my classmates. It was suppose to be a prescription drug overdose.. I r ember taking the medications and then going bed. thinking that dieing in my sleep would be the easiest and most peaceful to go. I ended wakening up in the middle of the night in a trance like state before my parents found me. You would think they would of sent me to the mental ward right? nope i ended up going to church camp the next day and i ended up slipping a knife into my bag to finish myself off that first night. That did not happen I actually ended up meeting my first love and ended up having my first kiss at the end of the week.
2nd time I was a freshman in college 2 days away from my 19th birthday after I was sexually assaulted by a guy at my college I thought was my friend.. I don’t r ember much after leavening his dorm. I r ember walking back to my dorm room walked straight into the bathroom and immediately locked the door stripped off my clothes and took a shower trying to remove the evidence. At that point all i felt was my body going numb as i put on some clothes and left the dorm walking about 5 miles to the local boardwalk the next moment i r ember standing on the edge of the board walk looking into the water about ready to jump when i hear old friend calling my name snapping me out of my trance…
3rd time was about 3 years ago… I was at probably the lowest point I have ever been at in my entire life. It was right after my boyfriend at the time left me for a 15 year old bimbo.. I did something unforgivable when I got back to my dorm that night I felt so disgusted that I grabbed the clean spare razor blade from my desk drawer with my goodbye note on my desk I went into the bathroom and sat in the shower with the water running me fully clothed… I had several slashes on my thighs was about ready open my main artery when i heard the door to my dorm room open and heard my roommate call out my name. I freaked out. i turned off the water immediately cleaned up my thighs and slipped on my white robe and walked back into my room acting like nothing happened….
2 comments
your not alone, don’t give up.
Well it seems like it’s not your time as there always seems to be someone’s interruption to stop you….divine intervention? …. maybe.