January 6th, 2017by Casino96
Anyone else hear about the girl who hung herself on live stream a few days ago? I just saw the video and I’ve been hung up on it for the whole day. She was only twelve.
Ive gotten better since I was last on this site but this made me remember a few things. I’m still completely convinced that I intend to end my life when I know it’s time. I’m not “over it” and even if I was I doubt I’d want to be. Part of me will always be stuck in the dark, so getting rid of the dark might as well be a suicide in itself.
I’ve also been very busy lately; I have a part time job now, anf although classes are over for the semester I’ve been gigging like crazy. A usual Thursday for me now is an 8 1/2 hour shift followed immediately by a gig on the other side of town that lasts until around 3 AM. I love what I do, but good lord is it exhausting. As much as it’s a good thing I’m worried that as the weeks go by I’ll stress myself out to the point of cutting again, but I’m not sure. I guess I’ll have to see.
Anyway, back on the girl, she honestly put me in a state that I haven’t been in for quite some time. I’ve become more well adjusted but I felt detached from the rest of the human race in a subtle way I couldn’t possibly describe. Loneliness is close, but it’s more than that. When I saw the video and I couldn’t believe it was real I felt a genuine kind of empathy and almost wishful, as weird and terrible as that sounds. I miss that extreme pain I felt years ago because at least then everything seemed so real and personal. Now as the days go by I feel myself drifting further from my friends who I used to talk to about this stuff and I honestly don’t know why. I can’t feel human, I guess, and when I saw that intense sadness and desperation it reminded me of myself, although tragically she was a great deal younger.
i don’t know, I guess. This is really just a rant about the crazy stuff I’ve been feeling all day. if anyone’s seen the video I’d be interested in talking about it (yeah I’m sure that sounds weird but hey, im already gonna kill myself so what have I got to lose). Anyway, it’s Thursday, so I have a gig to get back to.