Every new year I make a resolution to be more positive. Thinking that if I’m more positive, positive things will happen. That’s how they claim it works, right? Wrong. This doesn’t work for me. I am 27 years old, in and out of college. I didn’t have the funds to pay for my last class when my financial aid didn’t go through, so now I can’t take classes at the college at all. There isn’t another college around here. I have no degree and I work at a grocery store. I hate it more than anything. I moved away for a few years and moved back home within the last year. I couldn’t find a job, so I had no other choice but to go back to the grocery store that I hate. I tried to set up only morning shifts on certain days of the week so that I wouldn’t be too overwhelmed. Yesterday they informed me that to keep my job I had to change my availability and start working nights. Not what I wanted and I hate it even more… I am attracted to women, but my family isn’t LGBT friendly, so I’m in the closet. I got so tired of listening to my mother complain about me being single that I ended up in a half assed relationship with a man. I believe he has Aspergers and is not normal. We are now married and I am even more miserable, if that’s possible. I live at home with him and my family. My mom and sisters are always complaining about wanting me to move out…They don’t want me around. They don’t care. Even though they aren’t nice sometimes and say mean things, I don’t want to leave home. I feel safe there. My husband is supposed to be joining the army, but his boot camp date keeps getting pushed. I used to think that I could handle living with him in another state on a military base…traveling all the time…having some money, maybe even a family. But I don’t think I can anymore. I think about suicide all the time. At least once a week I want to end my life. I feel like I won’t be happy until then. Nothing ever works out for me. I’m over weight and eating is the only thing that helps. Whenever there is a probably, I eat and I don’t stop. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think my purpose in life is to commit suicide. I believe in God, and I feel like he must want me to die. Why else would all these bad things keep happening to me? I don’t have any friends to talk to. I can be friendly and I meet a lot of people. It seems that people meet me and after a few days, they end up hating me. I don’t have a way to kill myself right now. I take bottles of sleeping pills and I still wake up. No matter how hard I try, I still wake up. If I could just be myself and not care so much about what other people think, I would probably be happier. But I can’t. I can’t lose my family. I’m in such a mess and I don’t think I have a way out. I really believe my purpose in life is to commit suicide. Does anyone else feel this way? I’m open to suggestions and advice, but please don’t be mean to me.
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Listen the only thing that is guaranteed in life is death no matter who are death is guaranteed. So this is what I have to say don’t rush your time of death no matter how unhappy you feel. I believe the first step you have to take in order to find the happiness you’re looking for is confrontation. Tell you your family that you’re lesbian no matter the reaction, yes they might be very upset but so what you’re still their family they have to love you no matter what. Keeping this secret had made you unhappy and if your family can’t see that then they’re being selfish. You deserve to be happy as well with someone you can truly love not try to be happy with someone because that’s how it has to be. News flash this is 2017 that’s not how it has to be so take control of your life. You turned to food for comfort , so it probably has a big effect on you, I believe counseling will help your situation. Try to find LGBT support groups in your area. And career wise don’t let it end there if you can take online classes for a degree, if you don’t have a computer or laptop save up to buy one. Online classes may not be as good as the real deal but at least you’ll have something. If that doesn’t work out for you trade school is also an option. Knowledge is power and no one can take that away from you. One more thing if you come out don’t worry about how your husband will feel because truth is you don’t love him and you can’t even if you wanted to. If he’s happy with you it’s false happiness because your heart is not in it. Coming out of the closet should give him a chance to find someone who can truly love him. He also needs to understand that you are not able to give him the love he thought he already had. Coming out of the closet is honestly the best for everyone even if it doesn’t seem like it. If you have anymore troubles you can always contact me here I’ll be using this account daily. Good luck with everything don’t forget to be strong because you’re gonna need the strength. Every secret carries a burden and once it’s out there that weight is lifted off of your shoulders and that burden becomes relief. Good luck once again.