… Maybe I am getting worse. I remember when I used to think all the time about my own death voluntarily. I looked forward to it and fantasized over how to do it and how it would feel, how it would go, etc. I’m not really there again, but it feels like I might be headed there.
Nothing has purpose and I have nothing to look forward to.
Every night before I fall asleep I think about everything I’ll have to apologize for or fix because I was dumb enough to get stuck in the situation.
My whole existence as a person feels like repaying debts that both I and the recipient know I don’t owe. No one’s taking advantage of me, and I’m not even really doing that much. I just don’t want to disappoint of inconvenience people, and ironically that’s all I do.
I’m tearing myself apart and I’ve known it for years. I know that I’m going to take my own life because I know that at some point that’s all my emotions and conscience will let me do, and I’m ok with that. I wish it would all happen just at once at the end so I don’t have to spend all the time leading up to it in such a state of nothingness.
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I can relate to this. Some of what you described was as if you managed to put into words or express what I couldn’t.. Reading this it I was like I was deciphering myself. I’m sorry for your pain.
That’s was pretty much spot on. I’m just around. I don’t have anything to look forward to. Squandered all my chances long ago. Nothing to really look forward to and I’m just an inconvenience or annoyance to friends and family. They just kind of tolerate my behavior. I hope something happens or I get the balls to do it myself.