Not normal

It doesn’t feel normal to be ok. So I guess I find negative things to focus on and I let them consume my life. Like the fact that I was suppose to complete a math course over the summer and I have yet to finish the final chapter of work, and I’m not sure if I am going to need to take a final exam. And I have to sign up and take my official certification exam which to be honest should have already been done. Then I need to take a practice exam by march. And take the official exam for that by april and I’m no where near ready. I have to lose 20 pounds by may, my weight and health are deteriorating because of my poor eating habits. My brother had testicular cancer and had surgery to remove the tumor and any tumors that spread to his lymph nodes. This was in October he had a follow up and he has a tumor like mass on his liver. I feel like I’m lost at sea somewhere and I can’t come back and be the person I was becoming. I worked so hard and now I’m dropping the ball and I can’t seem to get it together. I’m not seeing or talking to anyone at all anymore and I’ve just been on my own lately. I feel a sadness deep inside and it has been triggered and I’ve been crying a lot lately. I wish I was never born but that doesn’t mean that I want to die now does it? I want a baby really bad and it hurts to think that I’ll never have one. Because deep down inside I couldn’t let myself.