Of all the things that really just get to me, make me feel like shit and just hate where I am in life, the worst is my parents. When it comes down to it, they just don’t work together, they never really seemed like it but it just gets progressively worse. They fight and scream and insult each other before they even try to at least talk about their problems. It always just starts with some remark or insult or one of them is just being a fucking jerk, then it all kicks off. It’s not abusive, at least not physically and I wouldn’t know what emotional effects it’s having on them. Most of the time it’s just an annoyance, I’ve detached myself enough to just want to move out as soon as possible. But when it gets really bad, when the screaming isn’t at least slightly calm like it normally is. When there’s threats of leaving or kicking someone out, I lose it. I shut down and sit silently in my room and try to ignore it. But lately I’ve had a more angry response. I find myself gripping something I could beat them with, just imagining being able to finally put an end to it, to interject in a way that might actually make them listen. They wouldn’t listen otherwise, not when I cried and told them I hated them fighting, not when I tried to help fix their problems, I guess I just don’t matter. I just sit and listen and tell myself that when it finally goes too far, when someone hurts someone else, that I’ll run in their and just fucking kill them. It’s almost sickening when I remember how I felt after everything subsided. To actually feel a real urge to beat my parent to death. Of course I know I’ll never do it, I’d never have the balls. And so I have to sit and suffer until I can move out, never come back or talk to them again, and finally forget about them. I have to hide all this until I’m through college, then I disappear to them, I don’t care if they never know why I just want away.
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I can very much relate to your pain. My parents had horrible rows when I was a kid, and I was always scared they would end up hurting each other. It could last half a day, possibly more, I don’t recall, from the first subtle signs of tension through full-blown rowing, crying, hitting, to eventual exhausted and sometimes half-hearted makeup.
I understand that any relationship comes with conflicts, but what counts is how you handle those conflicts. I understand that no one is perfect, but I wouldn’t wish what my siblings and I went through on any child. In my parents’ case, they never solved the underlying conflict, only dealt with the surface issues, which were inconsequential.
Anyway.
I can relate to wanting to try to break up the argument, not to wanting to hurt your parents. But they are obviously immature. They are doing this because they don’t know how not to. And it’s not your job to teach them. THEIR job was to provide good, stable parenting for you, and they have obviously failed miserably at that.
I think your idea of moving away from them ASAP is an excellent idea. But I also think it’s really important to analyze what went wrong, to understand that it was never your fault that you experienced this. That you were thrown into this unprepared (ironically, your parents are the exact people supposed to prepare you for these sorts of things), and you did your best. Learn how to deal with conflict in a sensible manner, if you don’t know already. Because it is a fact of life.
My reaction to my parents fights I think was determining to be a better guy, a diplomat, someone who was good, a nice guy, someone who defused conflict by going along with what the other person wanted. This did not work out as intended. You can’t always let others get their way. You need to be able to negotiate your position. You need to recognize that power is often divorced from worth. Just because someone is more imposing than you, or has worked harder than you, that does not give them authority over you. You don’t owe them anything.
Idk. I’m just understanding this for the first time as I’m writing, so it probably needs some more work. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for inspiring me to try to understand my own issues. Because I never did, and that’s a large part of my struggle, I think.