Get with the program, but it’s written in PHP

I really like the programmer humor in the Get with the program post. So I remade Get with the program in PHP script 🙂

I renamed a few things and redid some of the comments to how I comment. And I left some untouched as they were perfect as they were. I do feel like my humor and creative thinking is a little dead though.

<?

/**
 * The adult Earthling.
 */
class adultEarthling {

  function __construct() {
    //  By default, adult Earthlings are insane.
    $this->sane = false;

    /*  By default, adult Earthlings are miserable, but that can fluctuate.
        An integer allows for that flux. */
    $this->happiness = 0;

    //  Create the doctors stethoscope.
    $this->alive = null;
  }

  function main() {

    // The adult Earthling is alive.
    $this->alive = true;

    /*  While the adult Earthling is alive. Loop its life until the doctor
        deems them dead. */
    while ( $this->alive ) {

      //  Survive a day.
      $this->suiciDay();

      if ( $this->sane ) {
        $this->commitSudoku();

        /*  The adult Earthling has commited sudoku and the script no longer
            needs to be running... Kill the script. */
        die();
      }

    }

  }

  function suiciDay() {

    //  Brain stuff.
    $this->startThinkingAboutPastAndFuture();

    //  Entrust CNN with your happiness.
    $this->watchNews();

    //  Entrust Wall Street with your happiness.
    $this->checkStockPrices();

    // Entrust your car stereo with your happiness.
    $this->morningCommuteToWork();

    // Entrust your boss, coworkers, stockholders, and executives with your happiness.
    $this->workNineToFive();

    // Entrust your car stereo with your happiness once again.
    $this->returnHome();

    // Entrust your family and/or spouse/partner (and kids) with your happiness.
    $this->dinnerWithTheFamily();

    // Entrust complicated equation with your happiness.
    $this->tryToHaveSex();

    /*  After the daily grind, after handing over your happiness to the world
        and letting it be gangraped three ways to Sunday,
        check how happy you are. Remember that your happiness has been affected
        by every single person, situation, and thought,
        encountered during the day.

        The way that people become sane is when they absolutely cannot be
        any less happy. In other words, when they have “suffered enough”. */

    if ( $this->happiness == PHP_INT_MIN ) {
      // Earthling becomes sane.
      $this->sane = true;
    }

    else {
      // Sleep 8 hours.
      sleep(1000*60*60*8);
    }

  }

  function commitSudoku() {
    //  Commiting sudoku resaults in not being alive anymore.
    $this->alive = false;
  }

}

//  Create my adult Earthling.
$myEarthling = new adultEarthling();

//  Start the Earthlings struggle.
$myEarthling->main();

?>