A snippet

I feel the need to write here, because i’m back. back in this place I foolishly thought I could escape. I thought I could stop myself from drowning in my own head, but I can’t. I guess you could say this drop back into the abyss started with the first time I ever felt like this, but that’s another story for another time.

I feel this deep sorrow within myself, it always comes back. I find myself staring out the window at dawn, the soft pitter-patter of rain hitting the ground, the roof, and the trees. I find myself looking at the sky, which has a pink hue. Listening to the birds, I think of how I wish I could be a bird. All I would have to do is survive, and on rainy days, I could perch in the branches of a particularly big evergreen and wait for it to pass. But….My mind starts to drift. I think of drowning. How every time I step out my front door, its like looking up while underwater. It’s beautiful, but I begin to drown. I feel myself right under the surface, reaching up, and finding a glass pane above me that I can’t escape. i’m reaching, and reaching, and pushing on the glass, pounding….hoping it will break…but it doesn’t. I always wondered what it would be like to get your foot snagged on a rock while swimming in a stream. Being forced under the water as you struggle, and as you realize you can’t escape, you aren’t filled with fear anymore, but calmness. and you convulse, slowly, you fade while looking up at the sky from under the water.

I can’t tell you the last time I self harmed, perhaps a few weeks ago, a few months ago. the scars aren’t recent, they’ve all but faded into my skin. However the urges are back. I want to so badly. I find myself holding back an ocean several times a day. I want to cry, and cry, and cry. Sometimes about the past, and how I hurt. Sometimes because of what people have done and continue to do to me, and sometimes because I exist at all. I hate my body. I hate how I lash out, how I react, and how damn terrified I am of being abandoned by people I care about. I hate how I can’t control myself, or sometimes I control myself too much. The feeling of my stomach rolling over on itself when someone raises their voice. the shaking and tensing that comes when someone has a “tone”. I wish I could control it, but it’s the one thing I haven’t mastered.

*****TRIGGER WARNING: rape**********

Recently I watched a popular show, and it made me remeber how I felt after I was raped. though it was 3-4 years ago (time gets really hazey), it still makes me hurt. hurt in a way I can’t explain. I remeber how I blame myself, because I was a stupid girl. I remeber how I coped by having sex, because I wanted to erase the feeling of him. I told my (2) friends that I was bound and blindfolded and shoved into a car, and that I didn’t know who did it, because I was so ashamed….I thought I had caused it, even though I said no. even though I put my hands over myself. even though he forced me down. even though I was a child, almost 16. almost a year after, I tried telling my family, which they quickly told me not to lie about things like that. everyone i’ve told the whole story to has said that it was my fault, that it wasn’t rape, that I caused it because I led him to think we would have sex. The worst part was that I was a virgin. I had never done it before, and I had promised my virginity to someone else. This was only one of the many cursed things to happen to me, but it seems to be hanging around lately. I’ve lost my appetite for sex. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I keep thinking about how the character just, went limp in the show, and how I did the same. but I was thinking about it before the show came around, I guess it just brought up old feelings.

Sorry to leave on such a sudden and jarring note, my bluebirds and robins, but the pain that I am feeling can only be expressed with a sudden ending