I read other stories here for a while and decided to post my own here because I’m through with this shit. If you’re easily triggered then leave now because I’m not holding back because I’ve been through both fucked up and weird shit. Fair warning: I might ramble at times.
I’ve had a shit life for quite a while now and I’m officially done with it. I’ve been through a shit school system and graduated, dealt with my dumbass parents until my dad fell off a roof during a job (good riddance. Bastard left us in a financial mess) and my mom died in 2010. I was hurt until 2012 when I remembered what she told me before she died, something I can’t repeat. After which I felt good the ***** was dead. That destroyed most of my sanity but life was gonna get worse and never get better.
I was about to go to college then my mom died and a while later I went to orientation and found out that I lost my financial aid. I was completely broken after that and was about to carve myself up with a large knife next to my dog. I wasn’t going to hurt him but I was gonna kill myself next to him. I was so far gone at the time that I didn’t even think about what would happen if I died without making plans for him to be taken care of first. I knew that my life was finished then because I’ve applied for many jobs since I was a teenager and never got a one and my family was poor way before any of this took place.
Before I could do anything with the knife I black out. Next thing I know it’s 2011, I have new stuff with very few memories between the knife and that point. Fast forward to late 2014 and I made a few things happen for myself and I started smoking weed regularly when I had suicidal thoughts and heavy depression again. My brain was loud for years and wouldn’t shut up and the black out period was still nagging at me.
I knew that something stopped me that day but I didn’t know what and it seemed like at points something tried to reach out to me from within. That’s what I thought all of the mental noise was about. When I was suicidal again I said, “the hell with it.” I asked mentally “if anyone’s here, answer me.” I was surprised to get a response. Over the next few nights I reached out to that presence and learned that it was responsible for stopping me in 2010.
I thought to myself “either I completely snapped or I’ve been through too much shit.” Either way I couldn’t deny that something happened back then that stopped me and it wasn’t like I had any way to get answers so I accepted it. The three things that did it for me was the fact that she could take over my body but this time I was conscious of it. The second was how my dog reacted to her. I was mean to him sometimes when he would piss in my house and because of that he would hide when I came home but if she was in control he’d come out and greet her. She has a name but I renamed when I’m online I refer to her as Crimson. The most obvious was the fact that the mental noise stopped when I accepted her. That must have been her trying to reach out to me because she also said that I blocked her out and locked her away.
Eventually he warmed up to me again and things were easier for almost all of 2015. I made a promise to her that I wouldn’t try to off myself again until my dog dies because he wouldn’t have anyone to take care of him and the fact that he was around for my parents dying and losing me would be too much for him and no one would take care of him. And he saved my ass more than once and was the bright spot in an otherwise shit world.
The only part about that year that sucked was when I found out that Christianity was a lie. I was a believer in Christ and the Bible for 20 years. I even believed after my life was in ruins. Serves my stupid ass right for not researching sooner and dispelling the lies. A simple Google search and six hours showed me the truth. I lost nearly everything I cared about at the time and then I learn that.
You won’t get another day out of me you lying pos.
After more bs and falling deeper into poverty my dog died in the fall of last year. His last day was my worst day in recent memory. He wouldn’t go until I took him outside one more time. He died in my arms on the way back inside but before that he was determined to show me how strong he was by trying to walk back to the house before he stumbled around then I carried him and he went limp. I buried him and after I went inside the pain hit me like a truck. The only one besides Crimson that truly gave a shit about me was gone and with him my reason to live.
I gave it a few months after to make one last attempt to fix my life and I realized that I really didn’t care. I’m impoverished, my family’s dead, I’ll never be normal again, the God I believed in was a lie, I have no drive to do anything anymore and to top it off Crimson regrets stopping me from my first attempt. This time there won’t be a reason for me to stop.
A lot more happened but I already wrote too much. To those who read what I had to say, thank you. That’s all I wanted, to be heard before I end it. And if anyone reading has felt loss like this, I’m sorry and I hope that you can be stronger than me. I’m gonna check for comments for a few days before I implement my plan. If things get better for me, I’ll post a update.
7 comments
I read this. I don’t know how to respond. But I read it and I’m thinking of you.
Thank you. That means the world to me.
Yep, I hear you and I get it. All my past attempts have been thrawted by – I still don’t know what to call them : guardian angels?? Spirit guides?? . They kept interviening. Every attempt should have worked. I too currently have a pet issue in that if I die I have to make sure they are okay…. But, because I keep surviving, I would want them back if I did. I love my pets and if I have to live in this hell-hole I want them with me. Also, the whole god thing has been an issue for me as well. The last couple of years though, I no longer believe there is one. The blanking out thing happened as well, in a different way, but it is disturbing because chunks of time are missing and I don’t know what happened. I remember each time I blanked out, but not coming to. All I know is I was still ‘functioning’ and no one noticed. Anyway. It’s complicated, but I get what you are saying ?
I’d need to know a lot more about you before saying much, but I do have a question. You spoke of what sound like blackouts. Have you been checked for epilepsy? I’ve known it to cause people to suffer episodes like the ones you describe.
The last part of what I wrote to AzureXCrimson applies to you, too.
Hello 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to comment on what happened to me and asking if I could possibly have epilepsy. I have had a few seizures in the past, about 5 in total with the last one about 10 years ago, but they were related to Benzodiazepines (tranquillisers). I was an unlucky one as I was dependant and if I stopped taking them I’d have seizures. They were really bad and I’ve been incredibly lucky someone was always there when they happened (except the first time. I’m still v lucky I didn’t hurt myself). Thankfully, I weaned myself off them safely 2 years ago, so I’m free of them now 🙂
The black outs I spoke about happened 8 years ago over a two week period when I was in hospital. I became close with a male nurse and that’s when they happened, but I still functioned. He didn’t notice anything odd because I still functioned and at the time I didn’t even know they were happening…. It’s incredibly strange. When I got home finally that’s when I realized I had missing gaps of time and It only ever happened around him in those 2 weeks.
It’s one of those unexplained events that I never found an answer for. My Psych Dr and Psychologist couldn’t find an answer either. It was disturbing for years, but now, 8 years later I’ve learned to accept I have no answer for it.
I’m sorry this post reply has been so long.To be honest, I don’t talk about what happened, so this has been good. It feels like a resolution. Still, apologies I’ve spoke so much! But thanks though 🙂
I know what you mean. After my black out most of that time is gone. Kind of like middle school. I just can’t remember most of that year. And yeah, it seems like you had a similar experience to mine, but it’s hard to explain it to others because that kind of thing doesn’t happen to too many people. Anyway, I hope you’re doing better now and thank you for your response.
Let me get this straight. You suffered through six years of misery out of love for a dog? That is an act deserving of praise by angels. I’m not a Christian either, but you and I both know the stories. When I read what you wrote about what your life today is like, I heard words you didn’t write. They were “God, why have you forsaken me?” I don’t hear a whole lot of difference between the prayer you wrote and the one they say Jesus spoke. It’s the same child’s wail of abandonment spoken to God.
I have no help to offer. All I can do is let your words cause me pain and use that pain to shape a reply to you. You opened yourself up and invited me to have compassion for you. That is the hardest and most beautiful thing one person can do for another.