April 21st, 2017by heartlessviking
I was just thinking about my obsessive nature, particularly with researching horrible things. I have a weird attraction to all things outsider, even if they are outsiders for a reason.
So I had a choice between two research topics. One was a fairly well covered belief system which, while destructive(on record) was relatively harmless in terms of seduction due to this. It is my general belief that it is safer for my sanity to stay in the lie that I know to be a lie, than in the ambiguous but possibly helpful truth.
Or does it go back to my fear of failure? Am I projecting failure and my fear of my sanity slipping onto my present day problems?
I mean, deep down I feel like a healthy person wouldn’t research either. I can’t see how doing religious studies (sociological, not theological) can ever serve a useful purpose. Yet humans do so many things without purpose… because they feel good. Does everyone question it so heavily? Do other people use reason as the path to sanity? Because my therapists thus far just like to verify my emotions and feed me back minor adjustments. It’s like they think I’ll react badly if they just say something outragous like “If you want to be happy you have to buy a horse and name it George.” I would go start pricing horses if it were that easy. It’s like they think I haven’t self analyzed and obsessed over it for years. Like I haven’t spent countless hours trying to figure out how to treat myself. Not because I’m phobic about doctors, but because my doctors so far haven’t treated everything. I honestly feel like they don’t always want to.
I’m drifting from the subject. It’s also about should I just find some lies to believe in and be content? Or is it better to find a way to live with the bitter truths.