I’m lonely as hell. I’ve been trying to date people. I’ve been reading this book that’s truly helpful to learn more about loving myself and getting exactly what I want from a relationship. This is why my ex and I broke up because of my absolute insecurity and lack of self-worth. I sabotaged a great relationship because I didn’t believe that I was enough for him. I thought he could do better. I thought he could find someone much better than me, much prettier than me, much smarter, etc etc. So I’ve been trying to work on my self-worth for several months now.
I date and honestly, dating only makes me realize how lucky I was to have been with my ex because without adding emotion to it and being an absolute realist. We matched. I felt like I could melt into him. And now it’s truly over between us and I’m left with this trail of what could have been and what used to be.
I’m seeing exactly how I messed up and for why. I’m growing. These dudes out here suck. And yes, I know, there’s plenty of fish in the sea and I’m sure I can find someone else. I know this. It’s just the looking that kind of sucks. I’m trying to have fun with it. I made my list of absolute must-haves and absolute can’t-haves and have been keeping my standards high. And I’ve been trying not to let my insecurities get in the way of me being happy.
I am SO lonely it hurts though. Sometimes I just want to settle. Just be with anyone as long as someone can hold me at night and someone can be there for me. But realistically, I know that’s not what’s going to make me truly happy.
I’m at a place now where I’m thoughtful, where I understand my mistakes and I can look back at the relationship with my ex and not be suicidal about it. I was a MESS for a long time when we broke up. I look back at how I was. I’m better now.
Suicidal thoughts sometimes enter my brain but it’s not usually about my ex, it’s the actual depression.
I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to find a partner. I CAN be alone happily. I don’t NEED someone, I just want it.
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Also, I’ve been texting with this guy. At first it was great. But then it just wasn’t great anymore. He has a weird and almost mean sense of humor that I just don’t like. But yet I keep texting with him because he’s there. I don’t want to date him or be in a relationship with him. And I don’t think he wants the same because he even told me that he had a date planned with someone for tonight. I was like “Oh, ok”… but we flirt. And for a little bit it makes me feel less alone. I would totally have sex with him and that’s it, but I think I want to be more sensitive to myself and not get caught up in some sort of game. He just sort of fills a void.
I think there’s always settling involved in any relationship, because we’re all kinda flawed. I guess it really depends on what you’re settling on, picking someone who isn’t trustworthy for example doesn’t make much sense. What do you see as must-haves and can’t haves for your partner?
Oh, I think you’re right. But you should have SOME standards. I really do not think that my mental state could handle divorce. I know that’s always a risk, but I want to try to find the right one and get married and not go through another break up. Or at least not try to. I want to make sure things are good.
I’m also interested in your must haves / can’t have list.
How is the book treating you? I hope it goes well
The book is REALLY good. It’s so much information to absorb though. So it’s probably my fifth time reading it. But it’s definitely been a huge help. I wrote my must haves/cant haves below
Must haves – can’t stands. Sounds like you are just about where I was twelve years ago. Same same. Yes it all worked out romantically very well indeed. She’s not a ten (but I think she is) and nor am I. Of course you see I am on this web site so there is still plenty of work for me to do on my past or die trying.
That makes me hopeful!
Must Haves:
1. Passionate about something. Anything. I don’t care what it is… within reason of course. If he’s passionate about murdering people, well… lol
2. Sense of humor
3. Smart but not annoyingly smart
4. He needs to have an energy about him that makes me light up. I tried to think of the exact word and I don’t know what it is. Like witty with a bit of sass. This sort of personality usually fits with mine.
5. Can hold a text conversation
Can’t Haves:
1. Meanness
2. Smokes
3. Boring (this includes no goals, lack of sense of humor, etc)
4. Overly religious
5. Pessimistic
My list is probably generic, but I have been having problems finding a guy that fits all of my Must haves.
I thought I found a cool guy to date on PoF, and we talked for a few months. He fit pretty much all of them except he had like no sense of humor. I’m usually very laughy and fun (yes, even though I’m depressed)… but he never made me laugh or tried to… and he never laughed at anything I said either. He wanted to take it to the next level and I killed it and told him that I don’t think we’re compatible, so we remained friends. We still talk, but yeah…
Then this other guy that fit almost all of them, but his texting was atrocious. He typed like a 12 year old.
Am I being too petty? I just kept thinking, he works SO much and the majority of us talking would be done through text.
The book I’m reading says stick to the 5 things.
Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. I don’t know what I’m doing lol
That makes me hopeful!
Glad that made you hopeful. It sounds like your can’t haves are mirror images of the values a man needs to embrace in order for you two to be compatible. Consider rephrasing them as values.
There is an old book out there, probably half the English speaking world has heard of it, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. In it are nuggets of best to do/not to do toward the opposite sex. It also brought out the complimentary nature of differences usually found between men and women. It is a gold mine of relationship building insights with the opposite sex.