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I don’t remember this place

by brookethefox

Well apparently, this is the second time around. I came looking for relief and ended up gaining more fear and confusion. Let me explain…

I’m currently struggling with a lot. I’m severely depressed and am afraid to go to a doctor to be diagnosed or medicated. I mean, my mom’s a psych nurse, for Christ’s sake. She’d know if there was something wrong with me, right? I can’t bear to face her for fear of her sending me to the ward. How embarrassing would that be for her?

I’ve had nights where I can’t sleep, just dreams of me finding happiness in finding a loose razor or the perfect spot for parachuteless basejumping. Most mornings I wake up feeling numb and empty.

There are days I can be strong for my SO (the only one who knows/cares), other days I lay in a different room from him staring at the ceiling for hours, eyes burning due to lack of blinking, livid, because he told me he asked his stepmom for a recommendation for a physician for me. It’s getting so bad that a good day for me anymore is being able to find the strength to leave my bed and brush my teeth.

But he doesn’t understand that I am embarrassed by this. I’ve always been such a good girl, how could I let on that I’m not okay?

So today, I am alone. Trapped inside with just these thoughts. And I stumble across this site while looking at methods. I read a few posts here and there and decide I want to submit something. I go to register and….

“This email’s already been registered”

I’ve struggled for years, but I never realized that I was this low before. That’s the beauty of it though, isn’t it? These thoughts swallow every day of your life up to the point where you can’t remember days, weeks, years of time. And even though I may never post again or announce my story to the world explaining how I got in this deep, it’s inspiring to me that I was once this low and I made it through. Maybe we all can, in time.

 

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Life's Hostage 5/9/2017 - 2:38 pm

Pretending that you’re okay when you’re not is one of the most draining things one can do. I’m in the same moment as you, laying in bed, not wanting to face anyone. I look forward to sleeping because there’s some chance that I won’t wake up. Red bull space jump would be my grand finale.
I don’t have a SO. I have family who offer help, but when pretending to be okay is conditioned, asking or accepting help is the last thing I want to do. I don’t really trust anyone to understand me enough where they can give me advice. They try, but it’s more fathomable to just not exist than to get better.
If you’re comfortable saying, what can’t you let your SO know that’s wrong? I understand or probably understand why you wouldn’t, but if you two are committed to each other, that is something to reassure you that you will be okay and not just having to pretend you’re okay.

brookethefox 5/9/2017 - 3:52 pm

He does know, he’s just never felt the way that I do so he doesn’t know what to do. He is trying to help me by getting me to a doctor or having me go to my parents, which I don’t want to do because I’m afraid and embarrassed. I feel bad because he’s the only one who knows and there’s not much he can do for me. I can tell he’s become a lot more worrisome about me and I feel like I’m ruining his life with all this. I know he loves me, but he deserves better.

brookethefox 5/9/2017 - 4:00 pm

As for what I can’t tell him, I don’t feel as though there’s anything I can’t tell him. He knows some of the most intimate and traumatic experiences I’ve been through, but there’s just nothing he can do or say that makes it better. It’s not for his lack of trying, he cares so much for me. I feel like I’m at the point that nothing is ever going to make me feel okay again.

Life's Hostage 5/9/2017 - 6:54 pm

Have you tried being selective about the types and sources of foods you eat? For a short time I had felt a lot better. I had quit smoking, drastically changed my eating habits, and had laid off cannabis for a while (makes me hyperthink). I was beginning to feel a purpose about my life. Then the holidays came around. Christmas dinner was the start of a downward spiral.
I was on the candida diet. Basically becoming a vegetarian. Any proteins I ate were at least cage free or wild caught. The diet really helped. I’ve just been in such a slump that I can’t get myself to go back.
I may not be organized in my thoughts but I’ll get there 🙂
Foods have energy. How those foods come to your body determines if it’s positive of negative. E.g. Eating a happy free range chicken or a scared caged chicken. I started cooking for myself. Stopped using a microwave. Drank herbal teas. Tried to enjoy the nourishment process. I stopped watching television, stopped listening to the news, read more. Siddartha was a staple. Nathaniel Hawthorne as well.
It all may seem a lot. But if you and your SO can do it together it’s more than just trying to change certain habits, it’s a journey through life that you’re taking together. You have each other to motivate the other. So don’t worry about doctors or your parents. Doctors are last resorts and when you’re ready to address your parents you can.
The system of institutions aren’t established to help you succeed or become healthy (think of all the highly recognizable companies). The system tries to profit from our struggle. The less we are a part of the system the happier, authentically happier we can be.
Some other things I’ve done and used: binaural beats, minimized my contact with fluoride, corn syrup, and sugar, some meditation, sensory deprivation. Finding yourself and your connection to the natural world will help you feel better about yourself and your situation.
I don’t know everything about your situation so I don’t know how feasible any of these things are. Though they’re simple, they’re not convenient. GrubHub is convenient, lol.
I hope this insight can be helpful. I too feel like I make people’s lives worse, but sometimes I just stick my hand out in hopes that I can help someone up. Life is like a wave (study the flower of life) there’s always an up for a down.
Hang in there 😀

Life's Hostage 5/9/2017 - 2:47 pm

My sister tells me that I don’t have to pretend, that it’s okay to not be okay.
It’s like keeping yourself locked away in a prison. It’s like admitting yourself without the expectation of getting better. I’ve felt a prisoner my entire life, so I advise from being the example of what not to be.
Sure pills could mask it, but they don’t cure. Acceptance and understanding is what we need, someone to go to for help.

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