Well apparently, this is the second time around. I came looking for relief and ended up gaining more fear and confusion. Let me explain…
I’m currently struggling with a lot. I’m severely depressed and am afraid to go to a doctor to be diagnosed or medicated. I mean, my mom’s a psych nurse, for Christ’s sake. She’d know if there was something wrong with me, right? I can’t bear to face her for fear of her sending me to the ward. How embarrassing would that be for her?
I’ve had nights where I can’t sleep, just dreams of me finding happiness in finding a loose razor or the perfect spot for parachuteless basejumping. Most mornings I wake up feeling numb and empty.
There are days I can be strong for my SO (the only one who knows/cares), other days I lay in a different room from him staring at the ceiling for hours, eyes burning due to lack of blinking, livid, because he told me he asked his stepmom for a recommendation for a physician for me. It’s getting so bad that a good day for me anymore is being able to find the strength to leave my bed and brush my teeth.
But he doesn’t understand that I am embarrassed by this. I’ve always been such a good girl, how could I let on that I’m not okay?
So today, I am alone. Trapped inside with just these thoughts. And I stumble across this site while looking at methods. I read a few posts here and there and decide I want to submit something. I go to register and….
“This email’s already been registered”
I’ve struggled for years, but I never realized that I was this low before. That’s the beauty of it though, isn’t it? These thoughts swallow every day of your life up to the point where you can’t remember days, weeks, years of time. And even though I may never post again or announce my story to the world explaining how I got in this deep, it’s inspiring to me that I was once this low and I made it through. Maybe we all can, in time.