When I told my mother that, she said, “Oh, don’t be silly.” She was known for being a caring a sensitive mother-figure, a social worker. Fucking useless to me. Dismissive, invalidating.
She’s dead at age 93; good riddance. Too bad my marriage ended right after that. The one person I risked and pledged my life to.
Fast forward almost two years now, I’ve been flailing around trying things to get a new life for myself, although I did waste most of it trying to repair my retarded marriage.
I’ve just spend the last week trying new things in fields of interest, trying to make connections in the work areas that interest me, trying to find paths to a place for myself.
I need to move away within the next few months. I’d like a real job. I don’t want to live in the same building as my crazy ex.
Tonight I feel like cutting my body open and letting the blood out. I know the best spot, the femoral triangle.
I often go to sleep hoping I won’t wake up. I suffer. That is life. Death seems to be the opposite.
3 comments
You seem to still want to better yourself. Like you’re trying to get yourself to a better place and life just keeps throwing obstacles at you. You’re on the right track, and persistence will get you there.
You’ve been through a lot but you can have a new life. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through.
Why do people get married? Sooner or later, it’ll end in divorce.
I feel the same way.
Perhaps i’m too much of a cynic, but as soon as anything requires a contract, well it in my experience it always goes tits up sooner or later.
The ‘oh, don’t be silly’ is an interesting one. Some people say that i guess cause they are uncomfortable and don’t now how to talk about it, so they brush it off as quickly as possible. But you say she was known as a social worker type character, so i’m guessing she had great advice for everyone apart from her own.
I hope you can find something or someone to get you back on track in life.